Make Me Believe
by greenthumb87
Summary: post 4.11. Meredith and Derek grow individually before growing together. Rating for language.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of its characters no matter how much I ask Santa for it.**

**Reviews happy writer regular updates. :D **_  
_

_Make Me Believe_

_-Tupelo Honey _

_Tell me that there's more,  
Tell me who're worth fighting for,  
You are.  
Everything I know,  
Everything that mattered,  
You can make this easy,  
Believe me._

_At the perfect moment,  
Just say that everything will be alright_

_Make me believe,  
Lie if you have to,  
Stay here forever,  
Tell this won't end.  
Make Me believe,  
Know that I need you,  
don't leave me alone here.  
This doesn't have to end,  
This doesn't have to end_

_For what it's worth, I tried,  
For what it's worth, it mattered to me,  
You can't be replaced,  
You're not just another face,  
You can make this easy,  
Believe me._

_At the perfect moment,  
Just say that everything will be alright._

_Make me believe,  
Lie if you have to,  
Stay here forever,  
Tell this won't end.  
Make Me believe,  
Know that I need you,  
don't leave me alone here.  
This doesn't have to end,  
This doesn't have to end_

_Waiting, frustrating,  
But I can't let you go,  
I just need you to know,_

_Waiting, I'm breaking down  
But I can't let you go,  
I just need you to know._

_For what it's worth, I tried,  
For what it's worth, it mattered to me..._

_Make me believe,  
Lie if you have to,  
Stay here forever,  
Tell this won't end.  
Make Me believe,  
Know that I need you,  
don't leave me alone here.  
This doesn't have to end,  
This doesn't have to end,  
This doesn't have to end,_

_Make me believe,  
Lie if you have to,  
Stay here forever,  
Tell me this won't end._

**Chapter 1**

"_I can't do it anymore. I can't."_

_"Well neither can I."_

Alone. My own personal mantra. I started alone and I will end up alone. I trusted him. He lied. I took him back, he broke my heart. He made promises and now it's all gone. All the promises and all the lies. They're all gone and now I'm left alone. So much for getting ready.

"Another shot, Joe."

Jose is a good man. The only one who's ever been there for me. Derek doesn't know what he's talking about. I do know how to trust. I trust Jose. I trust that he will never leave me. I trust Jose to be there day in and day out, keeping me company in my misery.

"Grey, don't you think you've had enough."

"Leave me alone Mark. Me and Jose are having some us time."

"That's enough Grey. I'm taking you home."

"No thank you Mark. I'm staying right here. Just me and Jose. There's a nurse over there waiting for you though."

"Not tonight. Let's go."  
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"So what did my ass of a best friend do now?" Mark asks as he drives me home.

"What does it matter? He said things, big things, and now he's off kissing Rose. And I'm with Jose. But you took him away," I frowned.

"And you really think Jose will help you get over Derek?"

"Absolutely," I say without a doubt through my intoxicated haze. "You know, Markie, I'm a free woman now. I can prove to you that Jose helps. Right here, in your car."

"No thanks, Grey. I don't need Shep kicking my ass. And you're drunk."

"But Mark..." I whined.

"We both know you're going to regret it in the morning. Now, I'm going to carry you in and help you to bed. You're going to have a hell of a hangover in the morning," he says as we pull up to my driveway.

"You're no fun."

"I'm fun. I'm tons of fun," he frowned.

"So then you're saying I'm undesirable."

"Grey, you and I both know it's not true. You're drunk. You'll regret it tomorrow. And you really don't want to. You love Derek. You still do. No matter how much he's hurt you. Now let's go."

So here I am in Mark's arms as he brings me up to my bed. It had been a long day. One that I hope to forget when my hungover ass wakes up in the morning. Thank God I have the day off tomorrow. The last thing I need right now is to see Derek with his nurse.

"What the hell happened to her?" Cristina asks as we enter the house.

"Two words: Derek Shepherd." I hear Mark say. "I'm going to take her to her room. Which one is it?"

"Last door on the left. And tell your best friend to get his will ready for when I see him."

"I'm on it, Yang," Mark chuckled as he continued up the stairs and into my room.

"You sure you don't want me to pay you back for taking you away from your nurse?" I ask as my head hits my pillow.

Mark laughs at my drunken form, "Sleep it off Grey. Night."

"Night, Derek. Love you."  
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I woke up the next day with the mother of all hangovers. Unfortunately, the remembrance of the day before still lingered in my memory. So as I hug the porcelain god with Cristina by my side telling me how she will castrate Derek and make him pay for this, I can't help but think that maybe Mark was right. Jose is not the guy who will help me get through this. Maybe no guy will except Derek. But who was I to not even try?

"…I won't even make it try to look like an accident."

"Cristina, can you please stop."

"What, Mer? The guy just stomped on you all over again and you don't want to hear my plans for him?"

"Yes. I don't really need you reminding me of what an ass Derek is. This shiny white thing in front of me is doing a fine job of reminding me," I reply as I yet again leaned over to puke my guts out. Well, whatever was left of it at this point.

"Fine. But you know, you can't keep doing this every time he does something."

"Tell me something I don't already know. I think I'm good. Pass me the aspirin," I say as I was my mouth.

"Here. So what's the plan?" she asks.

"I don't know. All I know is I've got to keep trying to get ready. And before you say it, not for Derek. I've got to get better for me. If there was one thing Jose helped me out with, it's to realize that he's not very helpful in the morning."

"But he's oh so good at night," she smirked.

"That's beside the point. Now help me look through this psych crap and figure out why the hell I can't make a single relationship work," I told her as we walk into my room.

"Jose makes you bossy."

So here we are in my room working through my issues. The daddy, the mommy, the sisters, the ex-boyfriend, and everything else. I have to get ready. Screw Derek. It's his loss. I have to do this for me. And it's about damn time I realize that.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

So far, so good. I've been at the hospital for three hours and I still haven't seen Derek. Not that I'm avoiding him. I mean, I am, but I'm trying to grow so no more intentionally avoiding Derek. If only it were that easy.

I know I'd have to face him at some point. We do work in the same hospital and I am going to eventually specialize in neuro. But right now, I think I will avoid. Maybe after I work on all my other issues I'll stop. Maybe. Because let's face it. He's Derek. And if I see him right now, I will break down. I don't want him to see me break down. Not when he's happy with Rose. Not when all I want to do is tell him how much I love him and how I'm still getting ready. Even if the chances of us getting back together are currently non-existent.

"So Grey, still want me to prove to you how much fun I can be?"

I turn around to face Mark and I have no idea what the hell he's talking about. "Huh?"

"I knew it was too good to be true."

"What the hell are you talking about Mark?"

"You offering to pay me back for taking me away from that nurse the other night at Joe's."

"Oh god," I groan. "I didn't… we didn't… nothing…" I can't form a coherent thought. What the hell did I do?

"Relax, Grey. Nothing happened. I turned you down. But I must say, it was pretty damn entertaining. But seriously, the Dirty Mistresses Club is open to discuss its members' problems."

"I'm fine, Mark. I don't need to talk to you about anything."

"Suit yourself Grey. But if you ever need to talk, I'm here. And I swear I won't even try to get in your pants."

I roll my eyes at him. Typical Mark. "I'm fine. Now if you'll excuse me, Dr. Sloan, I have to find my interns."

As I walk away from Mark, I realize that maybe he's right. I need to grow. I need to talk to someone who knows Derek. I need to know that I CAN be ready for him. Or at the very least, that I can move on from him. I keep telling myself how I have to work on my issues, that I have to get ready. Well, not talking certainly will not help me with that. And I'm sure Cristina's sick of me whining to her… at least for now.   
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"You know, that salad's not going to eat itself."

"Mark, what do you want now?"

"I want to know why the hell you and my best friend won't just talk to each other instead of walking around like someone killed your puppies," he says as he pulls up a chair beside me with his own lunch.

"Derek said things. Big things. Things that I want with him. But he walked away. He's moved on. I love him, Mark, I do. But I can't keep letting him walk all over me. Not anymore."

"I get that Meredith, but you have to understand, Derek doesn't know how to be alone. Hell, he was with Addison for eleven years and then he fell madly in love with you…"

"Or so he says…"

"He did. He still does. But whatever the hell is going on with you is killing him too," Mark explains, taking a bite out of his sandwich.

"But he's with Rose," I murmur, trying to wrap my head around the idea of Derek still loving me.

"He is, but he's not happy. I know Derek. He was ever really only happy with you."

"He sure has a funny way of showing it then. Look, Mark. I get that you're concerned. But telling me that Derek was only ever happy with me isn't going to make everything perfect. I love Derek, but I won't be able to give him what he wants. At least not now. I'm trying to get better so I can move on. But not with Derek, not now. And maybe not anymore," I say sadly, knowing that in my heart, I want nothing more than to move on with Derek.

"Fine, Meredith. But when you and Derek finalize get your heads out of your asses and talk to each other, you owe me a drink."

This was the Mark I've come to like. Not the serious, concerned Mark, who was also great, but so not Mark. "Fine, fine. If, and it's a big if, that happens, I'll buy you a drink."


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

"So, Mer, what are we working on tonight? Daddy, mommy, sisters, or Derek?"

Derek. I didn't see him at work at all today. But then again, I spent the rest of my shift in the clinic, making sure my interns didn't kill anyone. I definitely shouldn't be thinking about Derek anymore, but how can I not? The man haunts my every thought. It's kind of sad really. I've become one of those girls I used to make fun of in high school. I've become consumed with this ass of a man that I love.

"Earth to Meredith," I hear Cristina snapping her fingers my face.

"What… oh sorry. What did you say?"

She gives out a frustrated sigh, "You know Mer, we're not going to get anywhere with this if you keep daydreaming about Shepherd."

"I wasn't thinking about McDrea- I mean Derek."

"And I'm the Queen of England," Cristina rolls her eyes. "Now c'mon. Are we going to do this or not?"

"We are. We'll talk about the daddy today. Where do I start?" I ask, completely unsure of where to even start with Thatcher, the man to whom I lost my trust in all men.

"You tell me. I'm here to listen and to read the books, not to ask you questions."

"Fine." I wasn't really sure where to start. Leave it to Thatcher to leave me not only emotionally stunted, but also inarticulate. "I needed a male influence in my life. Thatcher was there. For the first five years of my life, he was there. I don't remember much of it now. But I really believed he loved me. I suppose I can blame my mom for driving him away, but it wasn't all her. He could've called, wrote, kept in touch, but he didn't. He left me to grow up by myself with the nanny of the month. "

"So… abandonment issues. The book says there's five stages with that: 1. Shattering 2. Withdrawal 3. Internalizing 4. Rage 5. Lifting. I think it's safe to say we're in between stages 4 and 5. You did your whole rage thing yesterday with the yelling at the Derek and sucking face with Jose and now you're doing the lifting thing. And I know we're doing the daddy thing, but I think it's safe to say that the daddy thing and the Derek thing are one and the same. They both left you and now you feel alone. And now you can't trust anyone with a penis because all you know of them is that they leave."

"Right. The two men that I let myself trust left me. That makes sense, I guess."

"It does, but psych is still crap."

"Cristina," I groan. "This crap is supposed to help me grow. The least you can do is pretend to believe in it because I sure as hell don't."

"Alright, Mer. Geez, get your panties out of a bunch. So we've talked about the daddy and Derek abandonment and the lack of trust. Proceed."

And so it went. My counselling session with Cristina and our books. She's right. Psych is complete crap. But I'm trying. We talked through my daddy and Derek issues. And through it all, it dawned on me. Maybe Derek and I weren't meant to be. Maybe Derek was just there to help me realize that I need to grow up. That I need to believe in myself that I can grow, that I can be ready. So no more sleeping with inappropriate men, no more avoiding, and no more late nights with Jose...well, maybe not so much the last one.   
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It's been a month since the day we broke up and since then I've seen Derek around, sometimes even with Rose. Mark said they weren't together, that they were just dating. I don't know what to believe though. I could ask Derek myself. I mean, I have talked to him since. Sure, it's been professional talk, but at least I'm not actively avoiding him anymore, but I'm not actively trying to talk to him either. Which I could easily change. Just work up the courage to ask him how he is and how things are with Rose. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't jealous. It was supposed to be me, the girl in his arms. The girl he waits for at the end of his shift. But little by little, I'm learning to move past that. Talking to Cristina and the psych books has certainly helped.

I'm finally starting to figure out who I am. I know to some people, a month isn't much time. But that's just it. Why should I drag this on any longer that I have to? I mean, Derek has moved on and I know it hasn't exactly been easy on him either. That's part of my growing. It doesn't matter that he hurt me…ok, it does…but I still care about him. I still want him to be happy. So if it means sitting back and watching him move on, then so be it. Like I said, I'm getting ready for me, not for him. God, now I sound like I'm trying to convince myself. But I guess I wouldn't be me without the self-doubt.

So who am I really? I'm Meredith Grey. Second year surgical resident at Seattle Grace Hospital. I am in love with Derek Shepherd, but I can't be with him. Not right now. Not when I have my own issues that I'm trying to work on. But I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't want to not be able to trust anyone. I want the house, the husband, the kids. I want the life. And if it means that I can't have that with Derek, then so be it. Right now, I just want to believe it can happen to me.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

There she is. Meredith Grey. Even after a month, she's all I ever think about. I've been out on a few dates with Rose, but every time I'm with her, all I can think about is Meredith. Meredith who is standing before me looking more beautiful than ever as she does her charts. Meredith who has been growing. I've seen her with her sister a few times and it looks like everything has been going well. Every night as I try to get the sleep that continually evades me, I wonder if I did the right thing. I wonder if things would've worked out had I just waited a little longer. I wonder if I will ever be happy again. I wonder what the hell I'm doing with Rose?

"Why don't you just go up there and talk to her?"

"She's Meredith. I can't just go up and talk her, Mark. I hurt her too much. I can't just walk up to her as if nothing happened," I reply, frustrated at myself for the mess I have created. "Besides, I'm trying to make things work with Rose." Even as I said it, I knew it was a lie. Things with Rose would never work out. I will only end up pasting a fake smile on my face, day in and day out, pretending to be happy, when deep down I'm dying.

"Shep, you and I both know that Rose just doesn't cut it for you…"

"It doesn't mean I can't try."

"No, it doesn't. But if Grey means as much to you as you claim she does, then why even bother with the plant?"

"Mark," I groaned, "Stop calling her that. She's a nice girl. And I could learn to love her," again with those words I don't mean.

"That's a big fat lie Shep and you know it. And if you stop overanalyzing and making the world spin in circles around you, you'll see that I'm right. Like always, of course."

I roll my eyes. Mark wouldn't be Mark without some self-love of course. "I'll tell you what, if you're right. I'll buy you a drink at Joe's. But for now, I have to get ready. I've got a date with Rose."

Mark just laughs at me, waving goodbye, "I'd say have fun, but we both know that's not happening. Don't worry Shep, I'll be there when you and Grey get back together saying I told you so."

"Just...watch out for her, Mark."

"Will do, Shep."

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Dinner with Rose went alright. She's interesting company; funny and smart. But even after several dates, I still can't see the spark. And I know deep down why. She's not Meredith. No one can ever be Meredith. No can else can grab my attention like she does. No one else can intoxicate me with a simple scent. And really, I can't deal with all the candy any more. So here I am, with Rose by my side as I walk her to door, my mind made up that this can't go on any longer. 

"So I had a good time tonight…" there I go again with the fake, rehearsed smile.

"But…"

"I can't keep doing this. The dating thing."

"Because of Dr. Grey."

"Yeah. I'm sorry Rose. It's just not going to work out."

"Don't worry about it. I was wondering when you were going to realize it."

I frown, "So you knew I wasn't happy, but didn't tell me?"

"You needed to figure it out for yourself, Derek. It's painfully obvious that you love Dr. Grey. I don't know the details of what went on between the two of you, but my advice? Spend some time by yourself. Stop with the dating. That's not going to help you win her back."

"Oh…ummm…Thanks Rose. Thanks for understanding. It's honestly nothing against you, but...yeah...I should go." That was weird. Who in their right mind would put themselves through whatever this was when they know it wasn't going to work out in the first place?

"Don't worry about it. Goodnight, Dr. Shepherd."

"Goodnight, Rose."

So I'm done dating. Especially imperfect nurses who are too damn understanding. But being by myself? I don't know if I can do that. I just want so badly to be with Meredith. And I will do whatever it takes to win her back. Us, it will never end. It can never end. And I plan on making her believe.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

Step one: talk to her. It can't be that hard. We've done this a hundred times before.

_Hello, Meredith. How are you? So, that thing with Rose? It's done. I want you and I love. And I will wait for you._

See, piece of cake. Just tell her that you're done dating Rose, that you're still waiting. What's the worst that could happen anyway? 

_Oh, I don't know. She'll kick you in the family jewels. She'll call Cristina to help drag your corpse across the hospital and bury you on your own land..._

Damn. But if I don't do it now, she might find someone else and I don't think I can survive that.

_Ok, genius. First of all, she's not yours. You don't get to be jealous. Secondly, you lied to her. You said big things and showed her house plans. Then you broke up with her and you go and date Rose without even taking a breath. Way to be McDreamy. Lastly, you're the one who walked away. Still wonder why she can't trust you?_

I really hate you, you know.

Okay, this is crazy. Now I'm having a conversation with my mirror. Why is it that I can summon the courage and audacity to call her a whore and yet not be able to go up to her and have a normal adult conversation? She's Meredith. The love of my life. It shouldn't be this hard. But the guilt of everything I did is eating me inside. Even if I know what happened with us wasn't entirely my fault. Clearly show knows that. That's why she's looking stronger, trying to build a relationship with Lexie. She doesn't even go to Joe's that often anymore. Sure, she'll have a shot or two of tequila, but she hasn't slept with any of the men that have tried to pick her up.

Great, not only am I crazy, but I'm also a stalker. Way to go Derek. Maybe, just maybe, I need to grow too. I need to get ready. I need to show Mer that she can trust me. I need to be her McDreamy again. But how? Could Rose be right? Should I try and stay single for awhile? I need Mark.

Wait... did I really just say that? I must be going crazy.  
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I find myself on Mark's couch, a beer in my hand, wondering where to start.

"Finally came around to heed the great Mark Sloan's advice huh Shep." It's scary how well the man knows me.

"I don't know what to do Mark," I let out an exasperated sigh, running my hands through my hair. "I want Meredith back, but I don't know how to get her back."

"I can't tell you what to do Shep. Grey's finally getting her act together. Last I heard, she's back on the dating scene."

"What?" My head shoots up, making sure Mark wasn't just playing with my emotions, "She's dating... But all those men at Joe's..."

"Stevens' friend, I think. He's a good guy. I've met him once or twice. They've been out a few times, but nothing serious. It's been over a month, Shep. You can't expect her to just sit around and do nothing. Not when she thinks you're still doing whatever the hell that was with the plant. But between the two of us, Grey's still hoping you get your act together. She doesn't know you've called it off with Rose. She's just trying to move on, says it's part of her grow up plan."

"I'm trying. At least I want to. But I don't know how," I say, my voice full of despair, realizing that I could very well be losing the woman I love.

"Relax Shep. Like I said, it's nothing serious...yet. You've got time. Just don't take too long. Grey's been healing herself. She's looking at her options, because as far as she knows, you're not one of them. And I'm watching out for her, being her friend and all that. You owe me big time, by the way. And not just drink at Joe's. I swear, Derek, once Grey starts talking, she doesn't stop. I like the non-growing Meredith better. She knew when to shut up."

"Meredith's talking to you? Has she said anything about me? About us?"

"Can't tell you much, Shep. Dirty mistress to dirty mistress confidentiality. But Grey still loves you. Anyone with a pulse can see that. Just get those loose screws in your head tightened and you'll know what to do."

"Rose said I should try being alone for awhile."

"So the plant has some brains. She's right Shep. You were with Addie for a hell of a long time. You don't know how to be you anymore. You've been Derek the husband or McDreamy the boyfriend for a long time. Maybe if you tried being just Derek, you'll figure out what the hell to do. To be honest, Grey should try the same. She just doesn't know it yet, but don't worry, I'm working on making her see that. Neither of you has really been able to grow as individuals."

"Maybe you're right."

"Not maybe, definitely. I can't believe it took the plant to make you see I'm right. I guess she's more than just a candy factory, huh Shep," Mark laughs. "Look, all I know is you've got to stop promising Grey things unless you're absolutely sure you're going to follow through. She doesn't need any more broken promises. She's still learning to trust people to not leave her." Mark is clearly on to something here, I think, admitting defeat to myself. "Now let's watch this hockey game. I'm starting to feel like I'm drowning in estrogen and I don't see anyone with boobs aournd."

Mark was right. I need to find myself again. I need to grow. I have my issues too. It'll be a long road. It'll be painful. But in the end I know it'll be worth it. Meredith is definitely worth fighting for. She's not the only one that I need to trust me. I need me to trust me not to screw it up too. I need me to believe that we will never, ever end. Step one isn't talking to Meredith. Step one is fixing myself. And that starts right now.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

The woods have always been a sacred place to me. A place where I could just think and be myself. So here I am, finding myself. I still don't know how I'm going to get Meredith back. I just want to be able to call her my Meredith again. We've made some progress on the talking part, though not by much. But I'll take it. At least now she's calling me Derek again. And she's happy. Part of me is relieved that she is, that she seems whole, like life is coming together for her now. Then there's the part of me that wishes she wasn't happy. Because that mean accepting that she was happy with David.

David. I've seen them a few times at Joe's. I've even talked to them once or twice. He's a nice guy, he really is. I can tell he likes her a lot and treats her well. I know I have no right at all to be jealous because I gave her up in one of my finest moments of stupidity. But I am. I'm supposed to be the guy treating her well, the guy making her smile. I'm supposed to be the guy she runs to at the end of a long shift for comfort, for relaxation. I am determined to be that guy. David's a good guy. He is. But he's not the guy for Mer. I am. Yeah, I'm being cocky. But I'm Dr. Derek Shepherd, Head of Neurology, the guy for Meredith Grey. And I will fight until the end to make her see that.

So how do I do that exactly? Like I said, I still don't know. For once in my life, I'm at a loss. I guess that's part of my problem. My whole life, everything has been planned out. I've always had the answers. I knew everything and I can't accept it when I'm wrong. My marriage to Addison, for instance. It was all a part of a plan. I was supposed to be happy with her, and at the start I was. And I really did love her, a part of me always will. But then we grew apart and it just wasn't the same. Even then, we were still together. I still had someone to go home to had I chosen to do that.

Come to think of it, ever since I had my first girlfriend, I've never really been alone. Not for more than a month, two at the most. I've always been the kind of guy who did everything for his girl, I was raised a gentleman after all. But in all those relationships, I did everything for them, but nothing for me. I suppose that's when I started losing myself. With Addison, I gave her everything she wanted, did everything she wanted. I never took a step back and did something for myself. Sure Mark and I went on fishing trips once in awhile, but it wasn't enough. I'm not saying Addison was a terrible person for insisting on what she wanted. I was just all too willing to make her happy. I just wanted to make everyone happy. Even if it meant sacrificing my own as long as it meant I wasn't alone. I forgot how to be alone. And not alone like a hermit, but alone as in single. Alone as in me having a good time with the guys, or just Mark as the case may be.

And that right there is what I believe to be the root of my problems. The reason why Meredith has found it so hard to trust me. I couldn't stand being nothing more that sex and mockery with her so I went and sought someone who was ready. Even if deep down, I knew it was never going to work out unless that someone was Meredith. I just wanted to feel wanted. I wanted the companionship, not the relationship. Not unless it was with Meredith.

I'm working on growing. I'm working on finding myself again. That's why I took this trip. And thankfully, it's worked. At least slowly, I'm healing myself, getting myself ready for Meredith. And when the time comes, I will tell her everything I've done to grow. I will prove to her that she can trust me, that I am capable of following through. I will admit to her all my faults, that at the time I wasn't ready and that I have been getting ready. I will prove to her I love her, because as much as it pains me to admit it, I know she doubted my feelings to her.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

"Dumped what's-his-face yet, Grey?" I turn around to see Mark standing behind me as I finish up my charts.

"David and no. I can't dump him if we're not actually together," I reply closing my chart and walking away, Mark following beside me.

"That's just a technicality. You and him, you don't fit Grey. And I'm willing to bet that you haven't even had sex. At the risk of sounding like a girl, we both know there's only one man for you...and I am not talking about the great Mark Sloan."

I roll my eyes at him. "He's not exactly walking around a free man, Mark. Besides, I'm over Derek. I'll always have feelings for him and I'll always care about him, but it's just not going to work out between us. Not when I can't trust him. And my sex life is not of your business," I say as we walk into the cafeteria to grab lunch. "Ok, what's with the frown?"

"Aside from the fact that we both know you're in denial about having a no pants party with me...Derek hasn't told you yet."

"Told me what?"

"About him and the plant."

"Why would he tell me anything about him and Rose? We're not even friends. We talk, yes, but not as friends. Colleagues, acquaintances. Definitely not friends," I tell him, shaking my head.

"Derek called it off with the plant three weeks ago."

"Oh... Well, I don't care. Derek can break it off and be with whoever he wants. He just...I don't...He doesn't have to tell me anything," I pretend to not let it affect me. But why wouldn't he tell me? Is it because he's completely given up on us? I know I'm not exactly pining for him anymore, but still.

"Right," Mark looks at me, clearly sceptical of my claims of indifference towards his news. "Idiot finally listened to me and dumped the candy factory. He went camping to 'find himself'. Whatever the hell that means."

Find himself. Why would Derek have to find himself? And why am I letting myself think about him too much. David. Trying to move on with David, not Derek. "Good for him then. But really, Mark. I don't care. Right now, I'm concentrating on me. And the current me is dating David, not Derek, not anymore," I whisper the last part sadly. 

"You can say it as much as you want Grey, but Derek's not going away. You'll see I'm right. I'm always right. And if you just dump what's his face, you and Shep will finally ride off into the sunset towards your happily ever after mushy crap."

"No, Mark. I'm done with Derek. He's out of second chances. He's proven to me time and again that I can't trust him. So no, no getting back together with Derek. And you know, I'm trying to grow and move on here, you bringing up your idiot best friend? Not helping," I frown.

"I'm not really trying to help Grey, helping people is for shrinks. I'm trying to enlighten your oh so dark and twisty soul."

"I don't need your enlightenment, thank you very much," I tell him, as my pager signals me to a 911 in the pit. "I gotta go. Stop harassing me about Derek. I'm moving on with David."

"Whatever you say, Grey."  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The day from hell is finally over. After the 911 page I got during lunch, the injuries kept rolling in. But now I'm sitting on my bed with Cristina, our books, and good old Jose.

"I died that day."

"Ok..." Cristina says, unsure of where I was going with this.

"That day. During the ferryboat accident. I died. I know how to swim. I could've easily gotten back to the dock. But I didn't. I stopped fighting the currents. I just...I was just still," I say, taking a shot of tequila to numb my senses just a little.

"You stopped swimming. Why?"

"I don't know. For a moment...for a moment, I just wanted to give up. I just wanted to forget everything. My mother, Derek...everything. So I stopped swimming. And before I knew it, I was dead," I muse, something suddenly snapping inside of me.

"Mer, I can't really help you if you don't really know why you did it."

"No Cristina. I mean, I finally get it," I turn to her, ready to share with her my epiphany. "That day, part of me wanted to die. Part of me just wanted to take the easy way out. That's why I did it. I didn't want to hurt anymore. I mean, my mother was dying. She called me ordinary. She never made me feel good enough. I just...for a second...I just wanted it to all go away."

"So you drowning has nothing to do with Derek, but everything to do with your mother."

"It's not just my mother. It was also about wanting that feeling to go away. That feeling that I'm not for anyone. Not my mother, not my father, not Derek, not anyone. I just wanted to go away so everyone else will stop leaving me."

"You know, Mer, you keep saying you've moved passed Derek, but don't you think it's no coincidence that everything we've talked about always has something to do with Derek?"

"Oh no, not you too," I groan.

"What?"

"Mark says I should give Derek another chance."

"Ok, Mer, I don't know what McSteamy's been smoking, but I'm not telling you to give McDreamy another chance. The guy's hurt you a lot and every time he does, I'm the one who's there picking up the pieces. But don't you think that maybe you're not ready to move on from Derek yet? That maybe you're forcing yourself with David?"

Could Cristina be right? Is it possible that I haven't grown as much as I thought I have? Should I have waited before trying with someone else? It couldn't be. I'm ready. Or I'm getting ready. And I'm growing and moving on...right?


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

"Hey Mer."

"Dr. Shepherd.

"Dr. Shepherd?," he frowns. "I thought we were past that."

"Fine," I roll my eyes. "Derek, is there anything I can help you with?"

"Not really. I noticed you eating lunch by yourself and I thought I'd join you, if you don't mind," he says, not bothering to wait for my answer.

"I'm guessing you won't take no for an answer."

"Thanks, Mer." Damn that McDreamy smile. "So, how are you?"

I frown at him, "You don't have to do this Derek."

"Do what?"

"The friendly thing. We're not friends."

"We can be."

"No, we can't. Remember the last time we tried the friend thing?"

"Of course, that was quite nice actually."

"No. Not nice. You were with Addison."

"That was then. This is now Mer. We can be friends now. There's no more Addison."

"But there's a David."

"So are you saying you can't keep your hands off me?" he says with a cocky smirk.

"What? No...I mean, yes. Of course I can...keep my hands off you I mean," good job Meredith. Way to keep your cool. Why the hell is he giving me the McDreamy look? He can't give me that look. Look away, look away.

"So you shouldn't have a problem with us being friends then."

"No, we can't be friends," I proclaim adamantly.

"Why not?" a slight frown was now making its way onto his handsome face.

"Because...because...I'm dating David...and you're...you. We just can't Derek," I tell him, now completely flustered, trying to get my brain working to give him a good enough reason.

"Mer, if you give me just one good reason why we can't be friends, I'll leave you alone," he says with a sigh. "I thought we were making progress. You introduced me to David, calling me Derek again. I thought we've moved passed the past, Mer."

"We have Derek, but we can't move past it together. Not as friends and definitely not as anything more," I tell him, shaking my head, my heart squeezing just a bit as I try to tell him it's all over.

"But why Mer? I'm not asking for anything more than friends. Right now, I don't want to be anything more than friends with you."

"I..." _beep, beep, beep. 911. _"I have to go. We'll talk about this Derek. Not right now, but eventually. I'm not avoiding anymore. We can't be friends. At least not right now. Just...I have to go," I rush off, leaving him to his thoughts, looking back to find him running his hands through his hair, clearly frustrated that I had just shot him down.  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

"I don't understand it Mark. Why can't she just give us a chance of being friends?" I ask Mark as we sit in a corner booth at Joe's, still frustrated of my...whatever that was...with Meredith during lunch.

"This is just a guess, Shep, but it might have something to do with you letting her believe for weeks that you and the plant were still...whatever that was," he says, a sarcastic hint to his tone.

"She hasn't exactly been listening to me lately Mark, in case you haven't notice. Besides, I figured it'd be all over the hospital right away. She would've heard it from someone as soon as it happened."

"Exactly, you let her hear it from someone else. Me to be exact. Her friends and I have been fighting like hell to keep her from hearing any of the gossip the nurses have been spreading about you and the plant. She doesn't need to hear anything from them. She needs to hear these things from you."

"Why?"

"Man, you really are a brainless brain surgeon. You want her to trust you right? First step is to communicate with her."

I groan, "How can I when she won't even listen?"

"Make her listen, Shep. I thought you found yourself from your trip? Why the hell is that head of yours still halfway up your ass?"

"Can you please cut the crap and tell me what I should do?"

"At least it's slowly moving out of your crap hole. You're finally going to listen to what I've got to say," Mark says with a smirk. "Elevators are your friend, Shep. If Grey doesn't want to talk to you, don't force her, but you can make her listen to what you have to say. Earn her trust again by telling her things. Not house plans or any of that stupid crap that you can never keep. Tell her what you're trying to do without being too McDreamy about it. She doesn't need that right now. What she needs is for you to show her that you're not ready either."

"That doesn't even make sense."

"Of course it does. Once she's realized you're not ready for all those things you told her before, she won't be as afraid to move forward with you. She'll see that you don't want anything more from her. She won't be expecting anything from you only to have you not live up to it."

"What happened to my best friend? You never used to be so wise."

"Mark Sloan has always been wise. You're just too damn self-involved to realize it."

**you guys have been totally awesome on the comments. thank you very much.**

**as for cristina's patience and understanding, you're actually gonna see that sort of change in character for both her and mark. i've always believed that deep down they are very wise characters and i decided to play with that thought in this fic as i dont think shonda really plays on that on the show.**

**thanks again for reading! i hope to hear more from everyone :D  
**


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

"Hey, Shepherd!"

I turn around to see Cristina standing behind me, her face pinched in that annoyed look that she seemed to reserve only for me, "Dr. Yang, do you need a consult."

"I don't, but you will need a consult with my fist if you don't get your act together soon."

"I'm not sure I know what you're talking about here, Yang."

"Meredith, you've got to save Meredith."

"I think she's made it clear to me time and again that she doesn't want to be anything more than colleagues with me."

"You get that she's bullshitting you, right? Now Shepherd, take those wax earplugs off for once and listen good. Mer's driving me nuts. She's my person and in some sick and twisted way, I care for her, but if I have to hear another word from monkey boy about how the fermentation process works in the alcohol business is, I will call the zoo on his ass. I swear, Barbie has the most fucked up friends in the world and don't you dare say it Shepherd."

"I wasn't going to," I said as I bite my lip, trying to control my laughter, the mental image of David locked up in a cage, eating bananas and scratching his stomach in my head. The guy was on the hairy side.

"Right," she says, raising her eyebrow at me. "Just do something about it. Monkey boy bores me to death. Besides, it's more fun threatening to cut your balls off than him because we all know yours are functional."

That got me. I let out all the laughter I've been holding back, mixed with relief that my Meredith hasn't completely moved on. "I'm trying Cristina," I tell her while trying to regain my composure. "Look, I've been doing some thinking myself and I realize that I've been acting like the big man on campus. I'm not ready yet either. I know I've been putting too much pressure on Mer to –"

"Stop it right there McDreamy. I don't want to hear your life story. I just want your word that you'll fix it. And soon."

"I'm trying, but it's not all up to me," I sigh.

"Do whatever you have to do and save her. Hell, forget about saving her, just save me from monkey boy. But if you mess up one more time, consider your balls gone. Even the little blue pill won't help you with that."

I frown, "I don't need the little blue pill."

"Right. Fix this mess Shepherd. And don't tell anyone I asked you to do this," she says as she walks away from me, leaving me with my thoughts.  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I find myself at Joe's yet again with David, Izzie, Cristina, and George. I'm still not sure I'm doing the right thing by dating David, yet here I am doing exactly that again. I used to think that I definitely was doing the right thing, but he's beginning to prove to me how wrong I was in thinking that.

"...so the yeast breaks down the glucose in an anaerobic environment in these vats in the lab," he drones. Seriously, just because you own your own brewery and we hang out at Joe's all the time doesn't mean we want to hear how our alcohol is being made.

"That's...interesting." _Nod and smile, not and smile. _"I'll get us more some drinks. Cristina, help me." She smirks, knowing the double entendre of my words.

"What the hell am I doing Cris?"

"I told you to dump McSnorefest a week ago," she pointed out.

"But I don't want to hurt Izzie's feelings. She's just trying to help me." I wasn't so bad at first, but to constantly hear him talk about his business was like putting myself as the target in a shooting range. He's a nice guy, caring and a gentleman, but I'm slowly seeing that he's borderline delusional. I like my alcohol, and clearly he knows that from spending nights with us at Joe's, but I don't like it THAT much.

"Forget Barbie's feelings, Mer. I'm only going to say this once and you will never repeat it understood?" I nod. "It's your feelings that matter in this situation. Do you really want to keep hiding those feelings? And you know which ones I'm talking about."

Of course, she just had to allude to Derek. Again.

"Hello ladies." Speak of the devil.

"Derek," I nod.

"Shepherd," hissed Cristina.

"Joe, Scotch and whatever they want."

"You don't have to Derek. We've got this."

"It's ok, Mer. I want to. I know you said colleagues only, but I want to buy you your drinks."

"So you're willing to buy David," I point to our table "a drink."

"Yeah," he says simply. What the hell is going on in that head of his?

"Oh...um...ok."

"..."

"Here you go Meredith," Joe says, interrupting the awkward silence that has overcome us.

"Thanks for the drinks, Der," I said, giving him a small smile. I sure miss having him around. I miss talking to him. Even with the awkward silence we were just in, I miss my Derek.

"You're welcome." Damn that McDreamy smile. "I'll see you both around."

"Whatever, Shepherd." Cristina says, dragging my arm away from Derek. Away from the man I love. And as we walk away, I realize that even as the rest of my issues are slowly starting to be resolved, I'm still dragging myself down by shutting Derek out. No matter how kind David has been to me, he's never going enough to help me move on. Only Derek can help me move on. Now I just need him to prove that we're still worth fighting for. I just need him to prove to me that our love is strong enough. Now I'm ready for him to be my friend. I'm ready to let him in.

_It's time to surrender  
Cuz I can't remember  
A love that was strong enough  
To not to run away, yeah  
It's time to surrender  
I'm giving in to ya  
You're giving in to me  
So give it away, yeah_


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

"Hello, Meredith," I give her a small smile as I enter the elevator on my way to the OR for a surgery.

"Hey Derek."

"How have you been?"

"Fine."

I let out a small chuckle. "Of course you are. Headed home for the night?"

"Yeah. It's been a long day," she said with a sigh. "Surgery?"

I nod, the smile dropping from my face, "Eight year old boy. Severe head trauma from being hit by a car in the middle of the street. His parents let him walk around unsupervised. I'll probably be here til 2."

"Oh. Sorry. About the boy I mean," she said, putting a comforting hand on my arm as the elevator doors open, signalling that it's time for me to go perform my surgery.

"Thanks, Mer." I give her another small smile as I walk out, my arm still tingling from her touch. "I'll see you around."

"Bye, Derek. I'm sure you'll do fine."

I walk towards the OR with my spirits slightly lifted. Mark was right, elevators were my friends. It wasn't much, but it was something. Somehow, I can't help but think that Meredith wanted us to be friends again. I know I can't get my hopes up, but it was something. I think I can finally tell her everything I've been wanting to. As I walk into the scrub room, I can't help but smile a little despite the little boy on the table fighting for his life. Things with Meredith were starting to look up.

------------------------------------------------------------

"BP is dropping Dr. Shepherd."

"Damn it. I can't get the bleeding to stop. Suction, please." _Beep, beep, beep, beep. _"Shit! Give me the paddles," I yell as a nurse hands them to me. "Charge to 300. Clear." Nothing. "350. Clear. Dammit, come on Mikey. You can do this, buddy." I plead to the 8 year old boy, lying on the table, his life literally in my hands. These were the worst. The kids. They don't deserve to go through this, especially Mikey. It's not his fault. It's his fucking parents who don't know how to look after their kid. His parents who let him wander around, not caring that what he does.

"It's been five minutes, Dr. Shepherd," a nurse solemnly tells me.

I sigh. "Time of death. 20:54. Can someone close please," I ask one of the residents, walking away with my head down. I failed Mikey and now I have to tell his irresponsible parents that their son, who they never cared for enough, died on the table.

"Hey, Shep."

"Not now, Mark," I growl.

"Sorry about the kid," He says sincerely. Like me, Mark has always had a soft spot for kids and he too hated the fact the Mikey was in the hospital because his parents neglected him in the first place. "We can go to Joe's tonight if you want some company."

"Not tonight, Mark. I think I'm just going to go home," I tell him, as nicely as I can while the anger towards Mikey's parents bubbles inside of me. It wasn't Mark I needed. Not tonight. I needed Meredith.

"Alright Shep. Just...it's not your fault. It's those fucking people who call themselves his parents."

"I know. And now I've got to find them and tell them their son is dead. I'll see you tomorrow," I said, turning around to find Mikey's parents.

"See you, Shep."

I know it's not my fault. There was too much bleeding. He was in rough shape when they brought him in. I know I shouldn't be this emotionally attached to the case. But even if I never got the chance to talk to him, I knew Mikey was a great kid. I knew he didn't deserve to die. Rationally, I know it's not my fault. But I can't help blaming myself. If only I tried harder, then Mikey would still be here. If only I tried harder, then I wouldn't be so miserable. If only I tried harder. If only.

------------------------------------------------------------

It's been two and a half months since Derek and I broke up. Two and a half months since I've been coming here to think about everything that has happened. Two and a half months of the back and forth in my head. Two and half months of wondering if I made a mistake.

It's been a week since I told David that it would never work between us. A week since I realized that I needed Derek in my life, that I wanted him to be my friend. I could've told him that in the elevator earlier, but I chickened out. Again. I couldn't muster up the courage to tell him that. I couldn't muster up the courage to tell him that I want to be able to trust him. So here I am, sitting on a cliff overlooking the city of Seattle with my thoughts, as I have done on many nights in the past two and a half months.

My sessions with Cristina have helped me a lot in the past two and a half months. I've seen myself grow as a person and as a surgeon. Without all the extra baggage, I have been able to fully focus on my work. I've also established an awkward, yet meaningful relationship with Lexie. I ashamed to say I never gave her a fair chance. We are so much more alike than I ever thought we were. We're friends right now, but we're working on being sisters.

I have finally accepted my mother's death. In her own way, I know she loved me. I realize now that in trying to put me down, she was only trying to push me, to prove her wrong. She was trying to motivate me to show her that I can do this, that I can succeed in life, not because I'm a Grey, but because I really can do it. In her own, twisted way, Ellis Grey made me who I am now. One of the top residents in one of the best hospitals in the country. She made sure that I learned from her mistakes. She made sure that I had the will to fight for what I want. Which leads me to Derek Shepherd.

I can't deny anymore that I want to be with Derek. I want him to be MY Derek again. I've wanted him to be my Derek from that first night at Joes. I knew that he was the one guy I could get ready for, the guy who I wanted to go home to every night. But I also know that it can't happen overnight. I'm not ready for that yet. But I'm ready for us to be friends. I'm ready for us to get to know each other again. I'm ready to learn how to trust him. I want to be there for him when he's happy. I want to be there for him when he's sad. I want so many things with him, but I know we can't be anything but friends. Because Derek doesn't want to be anything more than friends with me either. He's made that perfectly clear. Derek wants someone who is ready now. And I can't help but think that had I worked through all my issues when I accepted that the Derek was the one I wanted to spend my life with, we'd be together now. We'd be happy. And I'd be ready.

With this in mind, I slowly gather my things to go home. And that is when I hear the sounds of a leaves rustling nearby. I've been caught.

_I knew when I saw you  
The day when we first met  
I'd say anything just to stop your world  
And my love has never left  
I did not hold the answers  
Didn't know the story's end  
But did my words find you then?_

_------------------------------------------------------------------------_

**thanks everyone for the comments! i hope you guys are enjoying this. the updates following this are longer and more loaded with actual progress in their relationship. i'd love it if more you reviewed, but i'm glad you guys are reading anyway :D**_  
_


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

"Meredith?" I ask surprised that she was here. On the spot where our house- my house was supposed to be built.

"Der...Derek. Hi. You're here. I mean...of course you're here. It's yours. The land. It's your land...cliff. But...you said surgery. So I'm here. Sorry. I...I should go," she said pointing towards the trail back to her Jeep.

"No," I said, shaking my said. "Stay. Please."

"Oh, umm, but...I shouldn't be here."

"Please, Mer. We don't have to talk. Just...look out into Seattle."

"Oh." I can hear the apprehension in her voice.

"I could really use the company. Just for tonight," I said pleading with my eyes for her to stay.

"Okay," she said, looking surprised that she had agreed. "Okay."

She sits back down on the spot where I found her. I sat beside her looking out onto the view. We just sit here silently with our thoughts. Her presence was comforting, a refreshing change from all the times I've come out here alone to think. The air around her soothing me, helping me overcome the sadness that has gripped me since I called Mikey's death. This was it. This was my chance to finally tell her that I'm waiting for her. To finally tell her everything I've come to realize about myself in the past two and a half months of us not being...well, us. But I'm afraid to break the silence. We are both so lost in thought, just admiring the scenery that laid before our eyes.

"It's beautiful out here," she said breaking the comfortable silence that dawned upon us.

"Yeah. Yeah it is," I said, stealing a glance in her direction. She is smiling and she looked absolutely radiant. "My patient died."

"I'm sorry Derek," she said simply, giving me a small smile and squeezing my arm. With those simple words, my spirits were lifted considerably.

"I just wish I had tried harder, waited a little longer," I said knowing that was treading the fine line between colleague and friend. I can tell that she understood what I truly meant as I felt her stiffen beside me. She lets out an agonizingly slow sigh.

"I was trying."

"I know. I'm sorry I couldn't wait longer. I'm sorry for having been stupid enough to think that anyone could ever replace you. I'm sorry for pressuring you with the house plans. I'm sorry for leaving you. I'm sorry for walking away. I'm sorry for everything, Meredith," I said.

"Don't Derek. Don't say you're sorry for everything," she replied.

"But I am sorry for everything, Mer," I said sincerely, confused as to why she didn't want me to be sorry.

There was a moment of silence before she spoke again, "I come out here to think a lot too. When I have the day off and you're at the hospital or when I know you have a late surgery. That's why I was here tonight. To think. I didn't think you'd be back until later." She pauses for awhile, collecting her thoughts, "I found this cliff about two weeks after we broke up. Your land was the only place I knew where I could be left in peace, the only place where I could sort my thoughts. I was walking up the trail one day when I found this spot. I was taken aback by its beauty and from then on, whenever I need the space to think, I came up here and just stared at the view, sometimes for hours."

"Mer, I-"

She shook her head at me, silently indicating that she wasn't done talking. "Do you want to know what I came up here to think about?" She looked at me expectantly. I gave her a small nod. "I think about the what ifs. What if I had been ready? What if I hadn't died? What if I'd never met Molly or Susan or Lexie? What if I never fell in love with you?" Her last sentence broke my heart. She said it with such sadness, the tears starting to pool in her eyes, and I knew that it had been eating her away. I knew that I broke her heart in the worst way possible.

She takes in a deep breath and continues, "I had been trying to get ready, Derek. I was trying to get ready. I still am."

"I know, Mer." She stopped me again.

"I'm not trying to get ready for you, Derek. Not anymore. I was. I thought that maybe if I got ready, you wouldn't want to date anyone else. I thought that maybe if I got ready everything between us would fall into place. I thought...I thought if I got ready, you'd stop walking away," she said sadly, her words unleashing an overwhelming feeling of guilt and regret inside of me for everything I've done. "But then I realized that I shouldn't have to get ready for you. I realized I didn't want to get ready for you. I wanted to get ready for me, to grow for me. I know that sounds selfish, but it's what I had to do. It's what I've been doing these past couple of months. I don't want to be the ordinary girl anymore. I don't want to be the girl who sleeps with inappropriate men after ten shots of tequila. I don't want to be the girl who avoids. I know that I've been avoiding talking to you lately, but I couldn't talk to you. I couldn't talk to you knowing that if I did, I would want nothing more than to tell you how much I love you," she said, the tears now falling freely from her beautiful green eyes. "If I talked to you, I knew I would fall apart and all the growing I've done would just fall back down. So I couldn't be anything but a colleague to you Derek," she explained, trying to catch her breath. I wanted to hold her, but I knew she didn't need that right now. I knew that if I held her she wouldn't get to say everything she wanted to. So I just sat beside her, waiting for her to continue.

"I saw that you were trying to move on with Rose and I thought that whatever it was we shared meant nothing to you at all. What else was I supposed to think, Derek? You started something without even taking a second to reflect on what had happened between us. That night, I went to Joe's and tried to drink myself to death. That night, I just wanted the world to stop spinning. I wanted to forget about you. I wanted to forget everything that ever happened between us. I never wanted to want all those things, Derek. I wanted us to be forever. So I tried to get ready. You said you would wait, but you didn't." She explained simply, not needing any more words to convey the hurt she was feeling from what I had done.

"I know it wasn't all your fault. I can't blame you for everything between us going to shit. I avoided. I let my mommy issues, my daddy issues, my sister issues, my trust issues...I let all of those get to me and allowed myself to be shut out from you. I wanted to be ready, but I never showed it. I didn't trust myself enough to let you in. I live under my banner of avoidance and denial, thinking that you would always be there no matter what. I took advantage of you, Derek. You were patient until you couldn't be anymore. I get that. You're only human. But you knew I was trying to get ready. You knew that I wouldn't make you wait forever," She paused again, taking a deep breath, trying to contain her tears. "I wanted so badly to believe you when you told me you love me. I wanted to believe you when you said always. I wanted the house, the white picket fence, the future. I was even starting to believe that I wanted children. But again, you couldn't wait."

"But you can't be sorry about everything, Derek. You can't because I can't. I don't want to be sorry for everything. I'm not sorry I met you. I'm not sorry I took a risk with you. And I'm not sorry I fell in love with you," she said, making my heart skip a bit, my own tears starting to cascade down my face. "I'm sorry I hurt you, Derek. I'm sorry that I gave up swimming and died. I'm sorry I didn't let you in. I'm sorry that I wasn't ready. But that's it. I'm not sorry for anything else," she finished, letter her sobs overcome her. I put an arm around her and she leans into me willingly, out tears falling together as we sit, once again in silence, under the dark Seattle sky.

I hold her for what seems like hours, her tiny frame perfectly fitting against my own. My tears subsiding, I began to speak, "I'm not ready either, Mer." She pulled away from me, shocked from my statement, my arms feeling empty and awkward without her.

"I thought I was, but I'm not. Mark helped me see that, surprisingly enough," I say, chuckling softly. "I just want to be with you so badly that I conditioned myself to think that I am ready and in doing so, I pushed you away. I knew you were scared to get into anything too serious, but I couldn't handle sex and mockery only. I wanted to tell the whole world that I was with this beautiful, kind, amazing woman, but you wouldn't let me. I panicked. I didn't know how to be alone. I'm still learning how to be alone. It's an uphill battle, knowing that there wouldn't be anyone for me to come home to, knowing that there wouldn't be anyone for me to have dinners with-"

"Der-"

"No, Mer. I have to say this. I need you to hear this," I said as she nods, leaning into my arms once again for support and comfort, surprising me. "I'm not sorry about all the good things either Meredith. I'm sorry for saying things I never followed through on. I'm sorry for making you doubt my love for you. I'm sorry for not telling you about Rose. But Mer, I'm not sorry that I met you, that I left Addison for you. All those times with you were the best, happiest times I've had in a long time and I don't regret any of it, I refuse to," I sighed, pausing momentarily before continuing.

"But Mer, I don't want to be with you. It's not me being mean. I don't mean I don't want to be with you ever, because I do. But not now. Not with you, not with anyone. And I know you don't want that either. Mer, we both need to grow on our own. We both need to get ready on our own. If we don't, this rollercoaster ride we've been on is never going to stop. One of us is going to keep walking away. But I don't want you completely out of my life either. I respect your wishes for us to only remain as colleagues, I do, but it doesn't mean I'm not going to be friendly with you."

I take a deep breath, "When you died, my whole world came crashing down on me. I couldn't bear the thought of losing you. I don't think I could've moved on from that. I know you would've wanted me to, but I wouldn't have allowed myself that. And I don't mean for this to come out as bad as it sounds, but on some level, you dying was a blessing. It was when I started to see that I should try and rebuild my friendship with Mark. He was there for me during that time and I needed that. I needed my brother with me. And he was there. And here we are now. We're not quite there yet, but we're getting there. And part of that is thanks to you. Don't you see, Mer? Even when you're not there, you still affect me. You're still good for me. I don't want to lose that." I can feel her tears soaking my shirt. I give her a small squeeze of comfort, to which responded by fisting more of shirt.

"What I did with Rose was a mistake. It was unfair to you, unfair to her, and unfair to myself. I wasn't ready to move on, not without you. But at that point, I felt like I had no other choice. Even then, you were the only person who consumed my every thought. Every time I saw you, my heart broke a little, knowing that I pushed away the one person who made me whole. I felt a little piece of me breaking every day. But I fought through it...or at least I tried. I had to. I had to do it for myself. I realize now that I had to admit that I was broken before I could repair myself and be ready to settle down again. I love you, Mer. I always have. Nothing will ever change that, but I don't expect you to not move on either," I said, the tears beginning to fall again. "Seeing you with David was even more painful than seeing you with Finn. Seeing you with David meant that that was it for us. Because with Finn, you weren't trying to get ready. But with David you were. I hate that it always takes you being with another guy to make me realize that I can't live without you."

"So I'll take anything, Mer. Colleagues, friends, anything you're willing to give. Even if it means I have to see you be happy with another man, I'll take it. I just need you to be a part of my life. I know you don't want to hear any of that, but I wanted you to know the truth about everything. I'm trying to get ready too, Mer." I finished, both of us now overcome with uncontrollable tears as we sit, holding on to each other as if our lives depended on it.

We sit like that for another half hour, just in silence, holding each other. When she finally pulled away, collected her things, and stood up. I follow suit, figuring I should go back to the trailer. We walk back in silence, processing everything that has been said between us. When we finally reach her Jeep, she turns around to face me. "Thank you, Derek. Thank you for listening."

"Thank you too, Meredith," I said, giving her a small smile. She surprises me by giving me a kiss on the cheek before entering her Jeep.

She rolls down the window before pulling away, "Derek?"

"Yeah?"

"I'd like it we could be friends," she said with a smile, before pulling away onto the road, leaving me smiling through my tear filled eyes.

_I'm too weak to be strong,  
I can't be the only one.  
Holding on till the day you find me.  
So meet me at the end of the world,  
I'm waiting.  
Meet me at the end of the world,  
Please save me.  
This could be the place where we start,  
The rest of our lives._

---------------------------------------

**so they're friends, but will it last as being just friends? or will get something more? Or maybe something less? oO**


	12. Chapter 12

**This is a filler update, but I had fun with it. Hope you guys do too.**

**Chapter 12**

I find myself at Joe's, sitting with my friends, laughing when I felt a presence behind me. I knew exactly who it was. Derek. We are friends now. Have been for the past 24 hours.

"Hey Mer."

"Hey Derek," I replied, turning around to give him a quick hug. "How was your day?"

"Paperwork. Lots and lots of paperwork. Yours?"

"CABG with Hahn," I said with a smirk, knowing Cristina was jealous over this. I can feel my friends looking at us, wondering what was going on. I haven't exactly told them about Derek and I. I give each of them a look saying I will explain everything in due time.

Cristina just shrugged, "Bitch."

"It's not my fault Hahn hates you."

"Whatever. I'm going to get more tequila."

"So...How's everyone?" Of course. Leave it to Derek to make the awkwardness even more obvious.

"Good," came the collective reply. It wasn't supposed to be this awkward. It was supposed to just flow. I guess it would help if I tell them what happened, but not with Derek here. I need to tell them by myself.

"That's great," he said, clearly sensing the tension surrounding the table. "Hey Mer, did you want another drink?"

"Yeah, sure. Thanks."

I watch Derek's retreating figure and Cristina's approaching one. _Here it comes_, I thought.

"Spill."

"Derek and I are friends."

"Friends? Mer, do I need to remind you about the last time you were friends?" asked Izzie.

"No," I said rolling my eyes. "I know what happened. It's just...we're friends. We talked...well...I did...then he did...yeah, talked. And friends. We're friends." Where the hell is Derek when I needed him? I let out an audible sigh, "Look guys, we're working through this right now. And I would really prefer if we don't have to talk about this here at Joe's."

"We're just watching out for you Meredith. He's hurt you before."

"I know, George. But this time, it's different. We really are just friends. Can you guys just...Just give him a chance, please? For me?" I really wasn't up for this talk tonight. Not when I was halfway drunk.

"Whatever, Meredith. If he screws you over again with this friend...thing, you know where to find me." Good old supportive Cristina. Well, as supportive as she can be. But I see the others hesitantly nod their support.

"Thanks guys," I say, as Derek approaches our table with drinks and Mark.

"I hate interns."

"Hello to you too, Mark."

"Shut up, Grey. And tell the other Grey to learn when to listen to her superiors."

"I'm not going to tell her to get you coffee every morning," I said, taking a shot.

"You're a pain in the ass you know that? After all I've done for you. Yang, tell your intern to listen to me."

"In your dreams, Sloan. I don't do anyone's dirty work, but mine."

"Well aren't you just a bundle of joy?" came Mark's response to which Cristina gave a fake laugh, much to everyone else's entertainment.

"Mark, they're not getting paid to get you coffee."

"Well they should, Shep. Think about it. They get us coffee, we give them man candy. Well, I do anyway. What could be better?"

"I don't know Mark. Fucking Matt Damon would definitely be better than looking at you old men," I said giggling.

"You want to fuck Matt Damon?" Derek asked with a frown.

"He's hot, Der. I can imagine it now. On the bed, on the floor, on the towel by the door. Hot, very hot."

"Oh I know. Him in Bourne Ultimatum. Definitely hot," piped in Izzie.

"Hell, I'd do him if I was a chick," added Alex.

"See, Der, Matt Damon is hot. We should all fuck him. One big giant orgy," I said laughing, slightly falling off my chair.

"And you are drunk," said Derek, laughing while steadying me.

"Definitely not."

"Are too."

"Are not."

"Too."

"Not."

"Grey's not that drunk, Shep. Stop acting like 2 year olds and fuck already. And can we please stop talking about fucking Matt Damon?" Mark groans, "I am definitely much hotter than the dude. Better too."

Cristina smirked, "Sure, if you liked old guys with gray hair." The table erupted with laughter.

"I'm not feeling the love here. C'mon Shep, I'll kick your ass in darts."

"I think I like them making fun at you, old man."

"You're older than I am."

"You have more gray hair."

"You all suck. I'm going to find me a nurse. And I'll make sure she tells all of you how limber I am."

"Try the retirement home by the hospital. I'm sure there's plenty of women there looking for some action," shot Cristina, sending us all into another fit of laughter as Mark walked away from us scowling.

"Dude, how are you friends with that guy?"

"Practice, Karev. Practice, a lot of patience, and a room far away from mine," replied Derek, laughter erupting among us once again.

"I should probably head home," said Izzie as the laughter died down. "Have to be in at 7. Want a ride Mer?" Izzie asked, knowing that I also had to be in at 7 unlike the rest of them.

"Yeah. I should probably head out too. I'll see you guys tomorrow," I said.

"Bye."

"Hey Mer, do you mind if I walk you out?"

"Oh...umm...sure. I'll see you in the car Iz." She nods in response and heads out in front of us. "So..."

"I just wanted to say thanks."

"For what?"

"For making me feel included."

"You're my friend, Derek," I said, giving him a smile.

"I am. I just thought it'd be awkward with them."

"It kind of was, Der," I said with a small laugh. "But they're giving you another chance," I said as we reach Izzie's car.

"That's all I'm asking. Sorry about Mark too."

"Don't worry about it. He's Mark. It's not like he can help it," I said, pausing for a second. "I should go. Yeah. Go. I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Definitely," He said giving me a smile, as I put my arms around him in a hug. "Night, Mer."

"Night."


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

"So you and McDreamy are friends now?"

"Yeah. That's good right? I mean, we talked...and it's good that we're friends...right?"

"I don't know. You tell me."

"Cristina..." I groan. "I mean. We talked...well, I did then he did. And I said friends. Just...tell me it's not too fast."

"Geez, Mer. What the hell did you and Shepherd talk about that's got your panties in a bunch?"

I roll my eyes at her, "Things. Many things. I told him I love him Cristina...what the hell was I thinking? And he said he loves me too. Then I said friends. I actually said I wanted to be friends with him. And that thing last night? Awkward. Completely awkward. What the hell was I thinking?"

She laughs at my obvious distress and I reward her with a glare. "Well, don't you want to be friends with him?"

"Yes...no...I don't know. But last night... last night was awkward..."

"Yes you've said that."

"It shouldn't be awkward. It shouldn't. Friends don't do awkward. Derek and I don't do awkward."

"You're right. You and Derek don't do awkward, you do each other," she said with a smirk.

"Not helping," I said, shooting another glare in her direction. "It's just...I just...What if I'm moving too fast? We just talked Cristina. We talked but we didn't actually communicate. And now we're friends."

"There's a difference?"

"Of course there is. We talked, but we didn't actually TALK. You know, where you exchange words alternately. We didn't actually engage in conversation...just talk. That's it. He listened that I listened, but there was no actual response to what was said. Just us...saying things we've been thinking. And now I think it may have been too soon. I mean, this morning, in the elevator...awkward. Elevators were supposed to be sacred or whatever. But today it wasn't. Because we talked, but we didn't converse. Help me out here," I plead.

"Ok, Mer. First of all, I think I get what you're saying but you have to be clearer about it. Secondly, your logic makes no sense to me. Lastly, thanks for letting me know you and McDreamy aren't doing the nasty nasty in the elevator. I can finally ride it again."

I roll my eyes at her. "Again, not helping. But...I said things and he said things...but we didn't really respond to each other. We just...talked. No communicating whatsoever."

"So why don't you go communicate with him?"

"It's not that easy. I mean he's...Derek. And I'm me. And I don't talk. I really don't. And it's not that I'm avoiding because I'm definitely not. Avoiding would be what the non-growing Meredith would do. So no, not avoiding. But he's Derek and I can't just go up to him and communicate."

"You're just making it harder than it should be. 'Communicating' is easy. We're doing it right now."

"But you're Cristina. My person or whatever. Communicating with you is not exactly challenging. But with Derek...he hurt me Cristina. A lot. And I know I've done the whole avoiding him thing for two and a half months. But why are we suddenly just friends. I didn't even make him work for it. I just...gave it to him like it's nothing. Which is completely wrong. He should have to work for it. At least a little bit."

"It's just friendship, Mer. You really want the guy to work for friendship?"

"Friendship implies a certain level of trust and I don't trust him. At all. Which is bad. Because we're supposed to be friends. And...he told me he's not ready yet. He told me he's getting ready. What does that even mean? And now, all of a sudden, we're friends. We brings me back to wondering what the hell I was thinking."

"Did it ever occur to you that maybe you're pushing yourself to be something with him again? At least subconsciously. I mean, you constantly talk about him and don't even bother denying it. You've admitted that you love him. Don't you think that because he said whatever he said, it clouded your brain, like it always does, and you just jumped at the chance to finally admit to him that you've been thinking about being friends?"

"I just...I thought I was ready to let him in again," I said defeated.

"Of course you did. You don't exactly know how to take things slow, Mer."

"So what should I do? I can't exactly take my friendship back."

"I can't tell you that."

"You're useless, you know that?"

"Says the girl who's asking me for advice."

"Well, I'm not about to go ask Izzie. I love her, I do, but she'll go all mushy and happy on me. And I really don't need that while I'm freaking out."

"Look at you all growing and admitting that you're freaking out. I'm like a proud...something. Just don't go bright and shiny on me, whatever it is you decide."

"Thanks, Cris. I really appreciate that. And I'm not going anywhere," I said moving towards her.

"Stop right there. I support you, but I won't hug you."

--------------------

**Of course, Mer is not Mer without a freakout.**


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

"You're avoiding." I freeze in my spot. No one was supposed to know I'm avoiding. Not that I am. I'm just...not being seen by a certain someone.

"No I'm not," I said turning around.

"Yes you are. What I don't know is why. I thought you and Shep are 'friends'?"

"How...why do you think I'm avoiding HIM?"

"You don't avoid anyone else."

"Yes I do!"

"No. And he's been looking for you all morning to give you the coffee that he woke me up for to buy with him."

I frown. Why was he bringing me coffee now? We're friends. None of my other friends bring me coffee. Boyfriends...boyfriends brought you coffee. But friends, no. I knew this was too fast. I knew I should have made him work to be my friends. Damn!

"So why exactly are you avoiding, Grey?"

"I told you I'm not."

"You and Shep are both bad lying, stubborn people. No wonder you two kids are crazy about each other."

"Mark..." I groan. "I don't need to hear about Derek and I being perfect or whatever for each other. Not when I'm not even sure we should be friends."

"What?" Mark asked, giving me a confused look. "Shep said YOU were the one who said you were friends."

"Well...yeah. But then I was thinking. And the thinking, it got bad. Well not bad, but...complicated. It's just...too fast or something."

"Too fast?" Mark said. "Wait...are you sleeping with him already? That old dog. I knew I taught him a thing or two about sexy friends."

I roll my eyes, "Not every guy is like you, Mark. We're not sleeping together."

"Yet," he said with a grin. "Just you wait, Grey. You and Derek can't keep your hands off each other. It's sickening."

"No. There will be no sleeping with Derek. No. Definitely not. Friends. I said friends. And friends don't sleep together."

"Of course they can."

"Is everything about sex with you?"

"No. Beneath this manly, handsome, confident exterior, there's substance that you can never even begin to fathom."

"Right. Sure, Mark. If you say so."

"It's true. Why do you think Derek and I have been friends for this long?"

"Because you have no other friends."

He frowned, "I don't know what that dork has been feeding you, but he's the one with no friends. And nice try changing the subject, Grey."

"Derek is not a dork and I am not changing the subject. There is no subject. No subject involving Derek."

"Yet you're avoiding him and relating everything about me to him."

I let out a defeated sigh, "Fine, I'll talk. Because I'm not avoiding. Not anymore. But...can we go somewhere more private. I don't need other people hearing this."

"You mean you don't want Derek finding you."

"Whatever." I follow him into his office, making sure to lock the door behind me and settling into his couch.

"So talk."

"Can I please gather my thoughts first?" I said, giving him a glare, telling him to shut up. After a few minutes of silence, I begin, "Cristina told me I was pushing too hard to be...something with Derek."

"You kind of are, Grey."

"And you couldn't tell me this before during one of our many talks?"

"I thought you'd be smart enough to figure that out on your own," he shrugged.

"Well, clearly I'm not. It's just...he's...it's like he has this...power over me. And I just can't stay away for too long."

"It's kind of obvious."

"So you've said, along with everyone else. Why Mark? Why do I let him? You know him well, what in the world do I do to have a normal friendship with Derek? Why is it that when we're not moving too slowly, we're moving too fast? It's just...it's frustrating."

"Because you and Shep are madly in love with each other," he said simply.

"Yes, in our tear-induced state, we might have said that to each other."

"So why are you avoiding him then?"

"Because I told him I love him."

"That's stupid. You don't avoid those you love, Grey. I know I'm not exactly the master at it, but I know Derek. Even if he hasn't told me, he's freaking out about this whole friendship thing too. He doesn't want to push too hard and he's not ready for something more either."

"Yeah, he did tell me that. But he's...Derek. Derek doesn't freak out. Derek...he's sure of himself. He's just...he's Derek."

"Thanks for telling me who Shep is," Mark said rolling his eyes at me. I respond by shooting him a glare. "But when it comes to you, Derek turns into this blubbering idiot. He does a damn good job of not showing it to you though."

"Clearly."

"Look, he just wants your friendship or whatever the hell you guys are to work. Seriously, I can't keep up. You guys don't stay one thing for very long. Anyway, my point is, he just wants your current...status...to work. Derek's a perfectionist. He wants everything to go right and he'll push and push without realizing that instead of making things perfect, he's making them go to shit."

"So what should I do?"

"Talk to him. Stop avoiding. Having you both freaking out on me is seriously ruining my mojo."

"You don't have a mojo."

"I do too. The female half of New York and Seattle can attest to that."

"Sure, Mark if it helps you sleep at night."

"This is the thanks I get for listening to you whine about my girl best friend. And I'm not talking about you."

"Fine. Thank you for listening and giving me advice," I said standing up to go back to work.

"Yeah, yeah. Remember, you owe me a drink when you and Shep get back together."

"IF we get back together," I said unlocking the door, before turning around again. "Thanks, Mark. Really."

"Don't worry about it Grey. Mark Sloan doesn't only fix pretty faces," he said, giving me a wink, before I walked out of his office. Mark's right. I should talk to Derek. Besides, I'm not avoiding. Not anymore.


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

Meredith is avoiding me. Well, I don't know that for sure, but I haven't seen her all day. She could have been busy, but even then, I would've at least gotten a glimpse of her, but nothing. And for once, I can honestly say I have no idea why she's avoiding. She usually doesn't avoid me unless something seriously wrong and weird happened. But I can't think of anything else. Unless she thought this friend thing was too fast. I mean, it kind of is. I didn't really think one talk would make it suddenly work out. And I'm glad it did, but why would she freak out over that? Or maybe it was the awkwardness of last night with her friends. But I thought we moved past that already. She did hug me. I'm pretty sure that wasn't a dream.

Great. Now I'm putting too much stock into one hug. But really, I have no idea why she's avoiding me. It just doesn't make sense. Friends don't avoid. And she has no reason to freak out. I haven't given her one. And now I'm freaking out wondering why she's freaking out. Only Meredith can do this to me. Addison never did. Rose certainly didn't capture my attention and flooded my thoughts at all. But Meredith, she's different. She's the one who makes me smile like it was the only expression my face has ever known. She's the one I want to wake up next to everyday for the rest of my life, the one, who with a mere look, can make my knees go weak. She's my Meredith. Well, not right now. But she's my friend. And now she's avoiding me and I can't figure out why.

So here I am, sitting atop my cliff, nursing a beer in one hand. I'd like to think of it now as our spot. It seems fitting that the spot where our house is to be built is the exact same spot where our current friendship was built. At least I hope we're still friends.

I didn't realize she was there until she sat beside me, grabbing my beer and taking a sip from it. I give her a questioning look, not wanting to be the first to break the silence. We haven't been friends for long, 24 hours to be exact, but these moments of silence between us while sitting here on my cliff has been a great source of comfort for me. I'm starting to truly appreciate Meredith's role in my life, her mere presence gifting me with comfort and solace that I could only get from her.

"I'm sorry I avoided you today."

"I'd like to say it's ok, but it's not. Not really."

She shook her head in agreement, "No it isn't. It wasn't supposed to happen. I wasn't supposed to avoid. But then...this morning I talked to Cristina. And I freaked out. Not from talking to her. But last night...it was awkward, Der. It wasn't supposed to be awkward at all. It's just...I freaked out. We don't do awkward. Friends don't do awkward. But last night it was...awkward."

"Yeah it was. But then we got over that. At least I thought we did."

"I...I thought so too. Then I thought it was...we were...we became friends too fast."

"But we talked," I frowned, not really understanding what she meant.

"We did, but we didn't really communicate."

"There's a difference?"

She nodded, "We talked. Well, I did and then you did. But we didn't respond to each other. We just...said things. A lot of things. Big things."

"We said we love each other."

"Yeah. I'm not taking it back. I'm just...too fast...proclaiming it or something. Because I definitely love you more than friends, but I don't trust you. Friends...they trust each other. But I don't."

"I'm sorry."

"No. I'm not looking for an apology. Just...too fast, Der. I want to be friends, I do. But I need to learn to trust you first. I need to believe you won't turn your back from me again."

"I'm trying, Mer."

"I know, Derek. I know. And I get that you're trying. But just...too fast, Der. I want to be able to trust you so I can truly be your friend. I just...I can't be hurt again. And you're capable of doing more hurt than anyone else because you're...you. And friends, Derek...friends can hurt too."

"So what are you trying to say?"

"I don't know," she mumbled, giving me a sad look. "I don't know. I just...I still want you there. I still want to talk to you and stuff. Just...I can't do the friend thing until I trust you. I can't...I can't let myself believe what you say until I know for sure that there's something worth it here. I'm just...tired of getting hurt."

"So you're going to close yourself off and avoid me again? Make me chase you?" I was getting frustrated. I thought we had taken a step in the right direction.

"See this, Derek. You're pressuring me. You can't do that. I'm not ready. And you said...you're not ready. So stop. Stop pushing for something more than I'm willing to give."

"I'm not trying to push, Mer. I just...I was happy knowing we were friends. I just don't want you to avoid me anymore."

"I'm not. Well, today I did...but not anymore. Unless something really bad or big happens...but no. No more avoiding. Just...taking our time. We don't have to rush into anything."

"I don't want to rush into anything."

"But you do, Derek. We just started talking again. A lot of things happened before. And all of a sudden you just expect me to forget about that and trust you enough again to be my friend?" She was getting angry. I can see it in her eyes.

"No, Mer. I know you can't trust me. Not yet. And I swear I'm doing everything I can to make you believe in me again. To make you believe in us again."

"Don't Derek. Don't say those things. You're pushing and...just don't say them. You're making this trusting you thing harder than it has to be."

I sigh, defeated, "So what are we then?"

"I don't know. We're more than colleagues, but less than friends. I just...I can't do the friend thing. I'm sorry. I know I said we could be friends, but maybe...not right now. Right now we're in limbo. But...I won't avoid."

"Is there anything I can do to change your mind?"

She shakes her head, "I can't tell you that. I just...I lost faith in you, Derek."

"I know. I lost faith in me too," I admitted the one thought that has been haunting me this whole time.

"Find that faith first, Derek."

"It's not that easy."

"I know. I'm only now starting to find mine. Just...I can't believe you unless you start believing yourself."

"So we're in limbo."

"Yeah...limbo. We can...if it's ok...we can maybe talk...here, on your cliff... once a week maybe or something...just. We can find the faith in ourselves together or something. It's the best I can give you right now."

"Yeah," I said, giving her a smile. "I'd like that."

"Ok. I'm really sorry, Derek. I didn't mean to lead you on. Just...try and find yourself before you come and find me," she said turning to leave.

"Yeah. Goodnight, Mer."

"Night Derek."

She was right. I need to find myself first. Take care of me before I can take care of her. That's the only way we were going to work. Meredith really has grown a lot in the past two and a half months. Now, I just have to learn to do that too.

_Wake up in the morning, stumble on my life  
Can't get no love without sacrifice  
If anything should happen, I guess I wish you well  
A little bit of heaven, but a little bit of hell_

**All I can say is, pay attention to the lyrics at the end : "Can't get no love without sacrifice"**

**Reviews, comments, concerns, suggestions all make the writer very happy and generous :D**


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

"Why do you look like someone killed your puppy?" Mark says, sitting on the chair beside me, overlooking the river.

"I'm trying to find myself," I explain, running a hand through my hair.

"What's there to find? You're in Seattle. On your land, right in front of me," Mark says with a snicker.

"Not funny," I say, giving him a scowl.

"Seriously, Shep, what the hell are you talking about? And whatever it is better be good. I didn't come out here for girl talk."

I sigh, handing Mark a beer, "Meredith said I have to find myself before I go after her."

"So you and Grey finally talked?"

"Yeah, she came by last night."

"What's the problem then? Why aren't you two all over each other?"

"Because we're not friends."

"What? She actually took it back?" he says, giving me a confused look.

"You knew about it?"

"I knew she was thinking about it."

"So you told her to take back the friendship?"

"No, man. I told her to talk to you, not to break the friendship off."

"What else did she say?" I ask, leaning forward while taking a sip of my own beer.

"That's between me and her. But don't worry, Shep. I'm all for the two of you to get back together. But, man, get your shit together and talk to each other instead of me. Your problems are bringing me down."

"That's the plan. She said we're more than colleagues, but less than friends. And that we'll talk."

"Good. As much as I love to hear your problems with Grey, I can only take so much. You guys really need to learn to communicate."

"Yeah, she did mention something about that."

"Did she give you that crap about talking, but not communicating too?" he says, taking a sip of his beer, tapping his foot lightly on the dock.

"Yeah. I get what she's saying."

"At least one of us does. Grey confuses the shit out of me sometimes. Kind of like you."

"That's not the point. I brought you here because I need to find myself."

"Why the hell do you need my help to find you?"

"Because you owe me."

He frowns, "I owe you?"

"Yeah, you know. For every crap you ever pulled. Besides, I need my best friend right now," I say, giving him a sad, pleading look.

"Fine, I'll stay, but not because I owe you. I just want to get the two of you off my back and you can finally get laid."

"Not everything is about sex, Mark."

"You and Grey are freakishly alike. Just stop with the thinking and fuck already."

"Mark..." I groan.

"Fine, I'll stop. Let's just get this show on the road. I've got Nurse Shelly...Sherry...Shelby? Fuck. I got a nurse waiting for me at Joe's."

"Of course," I say, rolling my eyes at him, letting out a sigh. "I don't know what to do anymore, Mark. Meredith said..."

"Stop living your life and 'finding yourself' because Grey said this and that. At the risk of sounding like Dr. Phil, do it for yourself," he says with a hint of annoyance in his voice.

"I'm trying, but how do I when I don't even believe in myself?"

"I don't know, Shep. Only you know you."

"You know me just as well."

"I used to know you. I know New York you. Seattle you is a heck of a lot different that New York you."

"How so?"

"For one thing, you're more of a mess, but at the same time you a lot calmer here. More in your element."

"Yeah. I think so too, but that doesn't explain why I can't believe in myself anymore."

"Let me ask you something, Shep. When was the last time you talked to mom?"

"A month ago maybe. What does mom have to do with any of this?" I ask, looking at him questioningly.

"Shep, the woman gave birth to you. You have this bond that I was always jealous of. Same with the sisters. Did you ever think that by basically ostracizing yourself from them, you lost part of who you are? I'm not saying you tore that relationship apart, but by you just moving across the country without so much as a goodbye destroyed her. And from what I can see, it's destroyed you too."

"So are you saying I should go back to New York?"

"I'm not telling you to do anything, Derek. I just think that you should try and repair that first, because who you are is because of mom and the sisters. It's also because of dad. And I know you hate talking about him, but maybe it's time you do."

"I can't do that, Mark."

"That right there is your problem, Shep. You close yourself off, yet you expect everyone else to be open to you."

"I can't talk about dad to anyone," I insist, getting angry.

"You should try. You wanted my advice, there it is. You want to find yourself? Go back to your roots and start from there. You'd be surprised with the answers you'll find," he says almost knowingly.

"Fine, suppose I do that, how does it help me with Meredith?"

"It's not. At least not right now. But it'll help you get some of the load off your shoulders. Remember, you're doing this for you, not for Grey."

"But everything that is me now is about Meredith." I point out, truly believing that who I am now is connected to Meredith in every single way.

"It isn't, Derek. You and Grey are two very different people who just happen to be madly in love with each other, but don't know how to make it work because neither of you know who you are without bringing the other person in. You both have to realize that you are two different individuals."

"We can't be individuals if I want us to build a life together."

"But you have to be if you want her to trust you enough to give you another shot," he says smugly.

"Which brings me back to how."

"I already told you what I thought. Fix your relationship with your family, Derek."

"Meredith IS my family," I say sadly.

"Right now, Grey is the girl you're trying to show that what you guys feel for each other is worth it. Your family is in New York."

"I think you're in the wrong profession," I say, out of nowhere.

"I know. Between you and Grey, I'd have made a shitload of money already. And that's just two month's work."

"I still don't know, Mark."

"Look, Shep. No one expects you to know anything right now. Just take a step back and relax. Grey's not rushing you. She wants to be with you, Shep. She's just afraid to trust you and let you in again, but she's waiting. And seeing the mess that you are, I don't know why," he says, looking at his watch. "Anyway, I have to go. The nurse is waiting. See you, Shep."

"Yeah. Thanks, Mark."

"Anytime. You're my brother," he says, placing his beer bottle on the ground and heading off to meet his nurse.

I lean back on my chair, fiddling with the label on my beer bottle. He's right. I know he is, but I can't bring myself to accept it. I can't bring myself to admit that I need to repair my relationship with my family, because they are who I am. I can't bring myself to talk about dad. It's too hard to talk about my past. But rationally, I know I have to make peace with it if I ever have a chance of making my present and future work. Right now, I need my family.

_And now my life has changed in oh so many ways,  
My independence seems to vanish in the haze.  
But every now and then I feel so insecure,  
I know that I just need you like I've never done before._


	17. Chapter 17

**Just a cute filler chapter to tide you guys over :D almost caught up...**

**Chapter 17**

I need to talk to Derek. I don't even know why or what about. I just need to talk to him. Or be around him. It was just one of those days where everything went to the shitter and even if I didn't want to admit it to him, I needed him. For comfort or something. But I can't find him anywhere in this damn hospital. It figures that when I need to see him, he's not there. Sighing, I find myself void of any hope of talking to him today as I ride the elevator down to my car.

The elevator bell rings, snapping me from my thoughts of not having Derek around to talk to, signalling the end of my solitude. As the doors open, I find myself looking at the man I've been looking for all day. Like me, he is dressed to go home. Like me, he seemed out of sorts, consumed by his thoughts. He hasn't seen me yet, but from where I stand, I can see the haggard look on his face, which I can only assume has been brought upon by this rollercoaster we are on. It makes my heart drop, seeing this look marring his handsome features. He finally looks up and gives me a small smile and a nod, "Hi, Mer. Going home?"

"Yeah," I say simply. Now that I've found him, I can't seem to find the words or the courage to ask him if we could talk.

"Long day?"

"Yeah," I say again.

"Any other words in your vocabulary?" he asks with a smirk.

"Yeah. I mean...yes. Of course, I know other words," I say, rolling my eyes at him. I can feel a small smile making its way upon my lips as I feel us entering the easy banter we've always had when things were seemingly alright.

"It's good to know you still remember your English," he says playfully, a faint glimmer of true happiness in his eyes making itself known to me.

I roll my eyes again, letting out a soft laugh, "I'm tired, not senile."

"Could've fooled me," he says, chuckling a little.

"You're being mean to me," I say, giving him a playful glare.

"Me? Mean? Never..." he says, giving me a look of fake hurt.

"Says the man who just questioned my literacy," I say as the elevator rings once again as we reach the lobby. I was a little bit disappointed that our moment in the elevator was now over. I didn't want to go our separate ways just yet.

"You're the one who didn't know any other word, but 'yeah'"

"I do too know other words!" I protest.

"You keep telling yourself that, Mer," he says laughing as we walk out to the parking lot.

"Mean, mean man," I mutter, taking note of his gesture to walk me to my car.

"I beg to differ."

"Of course you would."

"Hey! What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing," I say with a smile as we reach my car. An awkward silence has now made its way over us. I rummage through my purse for my keys, trying to prolong the company I find myself in.

"You know, if you just looked for your keys before you left the locker room, you wouldn't spend so much time looking for it," he said, holding his keys up in the air to prove his point to me, a teasing smile on his face.

"Whatever, Mr. Smart Guy. You can go if you want."

"No, I'm good right here."

"Stop complaining then," I say, continuing my search of my keys. "Aha! Got it," I say, a triumphant smile on my face.

"Good for you."

"So..." I say, still not wanting to leave his side.

"Come over," he says, surprising me. From the looks of it, he was shocked he had asked as well.

"Wh-Wh-What?" I stutter, not sure that I had heard right.

"Come over," he says again, now with more conviction.

"Umm...why?" I didn't want him to know that I was inwardly jumping for joy. While I know I said we couldn't be friends just yet, I also did say I didn't want to let him go from my life.

He shrugs, "I want to spend some time with you, Mer. Just me and you. I want to show you that we can be friends and not have it be anything more."

"I don't know, Der."

"Please? I...I just want to be around you. And I need to talk to you...about something."

"Can't you just tell me here?" I ask, fidgeting with my keys.

He runs a rand through his hair, contemplating the right words to say, "I can't. Not here. It's pretty important."

"Good important or bad important?" I ask, worried a little. Every bad situation going through my head. Is he sick? Is he dying? Is he moving away?

"No, no, no," he says, waving his hands in front of him, trying to ease my worries. "It's nothing like that. I know we're not really friends or anything like that, but I just need to tell you something that I'd rather not talk about here," he says, gesturing at the parking lot. "Please?"

"Oh, umm..." I say, pretending to be thinking about it. I know I'm going to say yes. Right now, I just need him there and talking might actually be good for us. As friends, of course. "Ok. Ok. I'll come over."

He gives me a McDreamy smile, "Great! Follow me in your car?"

"Yeah," I say, opening my car door.

"Ok. I'll see you in a few then. Ferry route ok?"

"Yeah."

"Words, Mer," he says laughing again.

"Ass," I say with a huge smile on my face as I get in to my car and he walks towards his. Only one thought was on my mind as I think about how I'm going to spend some time with Derek. The long day from hell is not going to end so bad after all.


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18**

We finally reach his land. Now I'm feeling slightly nervous. I wanted to come. I wanted to spend some time with him, yet a part of me still wants to run away. Apparently I'm not as ready as I thought I was, at least not on the Derek front. It's big, after all. Sure, I've worked on all my other issues; progressively making my way out of them alive. But the Derek thing? It's a big deal. A huge deal. I love the man. So much. I can't risk getting my heart trampled on all over again and because I love him more than I've ever loved, he has the capacity to hurt me the most too. He has shown that. I want to move on, I really do. I'm hoping being here helps. I'm hoping agreeing to come with him is two steps in the right direction and I'm hoping that I won't freak out and take four steps back. _I'm growing_. I have to keep reminding myself this. I can do this.

My mental freak out is interrupted by a tapping on my door. I turn to see Derek with a playful grin on his face, which still can't hide the sadness in his eyes. "Coming out anytime soon?" he asks.

I give him a nod back, turning off the ignition and opening the car door. "Yeah, smart ass. I wasn't just sitting there for that long."

"It was five minutes, Mer."

"Was not."

"Was too. You didn't even hear me knocking. I'm surprised you realized we were here, quite frankly," he teases as he opens the trailer door and lets me in. "Beer?"

"Please."

"Here," he says as he hands me one and gets one for himself. I look around the trailer, noting that it was more disorganized than usual, its state reflecting Derek's own internal mess that I can't help but feel responsible for. "We should go outside. It's a nice night."

"Yeah," I nod, leading the way out. "Cliff?"

He gives me a small nod in response and grabs a few blankets as we walk in silence out of the trailer and towards the cliff. I've come back a few times in the past two weeks since our last talk, always managing to avoid getting caught again. I've been lucky I guess. But somehow, in those times that I was alone coming back, it felt weird, but I can't quite put my finger on why.

I can't help but feel nervous despite his earlier reassurance that what he has to talk to me about is not bad. I know he can tell that I'm nervous as he turns to me, puts a comforting hand on my arm, and smiles, "Don't worry, Mer." I just give him a nod in return as we continue our journey in silence, my arm still tingling.

That's the thing. To an outsider, our 'relationship' right now is strange, but to us, it seems to be working, at least for me. I know he wants to be actual friends, but it's just a label isn't it? What we're doing now, the easy banter, and even the awkward silence, it's comforting. Just knowing that the possibility for more is there, while at the same time, not putting myself out there too much that I could get hurt is good. And right now, just for now, that's all that matters. I only worry about myself and my growth. And I'm happy. At least somewhat, because let's face it, no matter what Derek and I are, losing him completely will hurt like hell. But I am proud of the steps that we both have taken to repair us. We're both growing, becoming individuals and still know that the deep love we feel for one another is still there. There's potential, there's still hope and I will hold onto that hope like it's the last thing keeping me alive.

We reach the cliff and Derek sets a blanket down for us to sit on at the spot where we were last together. We remain in that silence we've been in for the last while, completely forgoing the easy banter we entered into earlier tonight. I look over to him to find that he is lost in thought. I can see the lines of worry and sadness more clearly now, even in the dark, Seattle night. Before I can stop myself, I reach out to trace the lines on his face. He looks at me tenderly, gives me a small smile and closes his eyes, revelling in the feel of my fingers on his skin. We stay like that for a few minutes, my fingers running along his face and him leaning into my touch.

"My mom is coming to visit," he says suddenly as I jerk my hand away from him in shock and he turns to look at me. He knows I'm freaking out, but he doesn't do anything except look at me.

"I...uh...your mom. In Seattle."

"Yeah," he sighs. "I wanted to tell you first before anything."

"I...you didn't have to, Derek. You didn't have to tell me. We're...not friends. You didn't have to."

"I did, Mer."

"No. No," I say shaking my head.

"I want to tell you though. I want you to know things from me. Not from George, or Cristina, or anyone else," he says, grabbing my hand. "I want to be the one to tell you things."

I look down at our entwined fingers and sigh, "But Derek. We're not anything. I don't need to know things, Derek."

"You do, Mer. I want you to be able to trust me again. I want to be more than...this with you," he says with a pleading look on his face.

He has a point. If I'm ever going to be able to trust him completely again, I have to hear these things directly from him. I know this is him trying to get ready too, but why is it so hard for me to accept it?

"She's going to want to meet me isn't she?"

"Probably," he says honestly.

"Does she know? About us?"

He cringes slightly, "She thinks we're still together."

I pull my hand away from his and turn to face the horizon, "You have to tell her Derek."

"I know, Mer. And I will when she gets here, but she's still going to want to meet you."

"Just...I don't know, Der. We're still working on us. Meeting your mom, it's big. Huge. I can't...I'm not ready for that yet."

He takes a drink of his beer and lets out a defeated sigh, "I can't force you into anything, Mer, but she will insist on it. And I promise, I'll tell her where we currently stand, but that won't change her mind. She knows I'm completely in love with you and for her, that's enough reason to meet you."

"I just...I don't know. It's too much, too soon."

"You're scared," he says, turning to look at me. I simply nod. "Don't be, Mer. She doesn't bite, I swear. And she knows better than to attack you."

"Need I remind you about Nancy?"

"I'm pretty sure Nancy is adopted," he says with a small chuckle. "My mom is great, Mer."

"If she's so great, why has it taken you this long to get her out here? Why do you not talk to her as much as possible?" I challenge. I turn to face him, seeing the conflict in his eyes. "I'm not avoiding, Derek. I'm not. It's just...meeting your mom. It's...we have history and I'm sure she doesn't see me the way you do."

"Because I thought I could do this on my own. I thought I was man enough for that, but I realize now that I need her to be a part of this," he sighs, running a hand through his hair. "I don't know what else to say, Mer. I just wanted to let you know she is going to be here and she's going to want to meet you."

I take his hand in mine and look into his eyes, with as much sincerity as I can muster, "I won't run. I won't avoid. But you can't expect this...meeting to make me run back into your arms either."

"I don't, Mer. I know I can't expect anything more right now. I'm going to wait until we're both ready. But I need to have my mom here. I need her to help me get ready."

"Okay," I nod, accepting his explanation for what it is. "Okay." After all, he's letting me do what I need to get ready for myself, it's only fair that I give him the same chance. "When is she coming?"

"In two weeks."

"Ok," I say again, nodding slowly, taking a sip of my beer. "I can do it. I can meet her."

"You can, Mer," he says, giving me a reassuring smile and squeezing my hand. "I'll be here."

"I know," I say squeezing back. I move closer to him, leaning slightly as silence once again envelopes us. This time, though, there was no awkwardness at all, just comfort. I'm meeting his mom. I just completely agreed to it. I'm scared as hell, but I've got Derek. And I know this is a step we both need to take if we're doing this right. And as much as I normally deny it, right now, at this moment, I allow myself to think of him as my Derek. I look up to him and whisper in the midst of the silence, "Thank you." Looking into his eyes, I know that he understands what I am thanking him for and he simply lets go of my hand and puts his arm around me, pulling me closer to him. I lay my head on his shoulder as we look out into the dark, Seattle night, feeling more myself and more ready than I have been in a long time. And just for now, as I look up into the night sky, I feel like I'm ready to find my way back home.

_What a journey it has been  
And the end is not in sight  
But the stars are out tonight  
and they're bound to guide my way_


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter 19**

In the midst of the loud and crowded bar, I hear nothing but the melodic sound coming from the petite blonde in the bar who is currently chatting with my best friend and I can't help but smile. Still, I can't help but feel jealous that their friendship is so damn close to being perfect, while we don't even really have anything going on.

I know I'm not to blame for everything, but I do feel responsible for everything completely blowing up in my face. I shouldn't have chosen Addison, shouldn't have asked her to put me out of my misery, and I most definitely shouldn't have kissed Rose. I should've fought like hell for her. Meredith deserves that; someone who will fight for her and choose her every time, someone who can keep their promises to her and never let her go.

I want to be that someone, but I'm not ready and I can't fight for her until I am. As much as I want to make her happy, I can't just yet. I can't put her through all of the pain again. But I know I have to get ready soon. Meredith won't wait and I don't expect her to. It will kill me to see her with someone else, but I can't shake away the feeling that if that did happen, I would blame myself for letting it. All because I wasn't ready and I pushed myself too much to be ready.

"Thanks for telling me mom's visiting. That felt great, Shep, really," says Mark, approaching the back booth with his drink and snapping me out of my thoughts.

"If you weren't so busy with your nurses then we wouldn't be having this conversation" I say rolling my eyes at him. "Mom told you?"

He shakes his head, "Grey did."

I take a sip of my scotch, frowning a little, "Meredith told you?"

"Yeah. Something about you not being man enough," he says with a smirk. "Shit Shep, I could've told you that myself. You didn't have to get mom to fly all the way here."

I shoot him a glare, "You were the one that told me to go back to my roots, asshole."

His smirk only gets bigger, "And once again, you've realized that the great Mark Sloan is always right."

I just roll my eyes, "It's painful to admit but it had to happen sometime."

"Whatever, Shep," he says, taking a sip of his drink. "When's she coming?"

"Two weeks."

"And you actually told Grey, huh?"

I run a hand through my hair and let out a small sigh, "Yeah. I had to. No, I wanted to. Mom's going to want to meet her." I notice another smirk on his face. "Can you please stop smirking at me."

"You haven't told mom have you?"

"No. I'm not exactly proud of how it happened."

"So you lied to her."

"No. I just withheld the truth. There's a difference," I point out.

"If you say so," he says shrugging. "She's going to be mad at you."

"I know," I sigh, "but I didn't know how to tell her that her son screwed up the best thing that's ever happened to him."

"You're right about that."

"Thanks for the support."

"Anytime," he says with another damn smirk.

"I don't even know how to tell her, Mark. She was just starting to warm up to the idea of Meredith and now I have to tell her it's over. All because of me," I say with another sigh.

"It's not just your fault, Shep. You and Grey both fucked up and now both of you **are** fucked up. The worst part is you aren't even fucking each other," he says with a chuckle before continuing, "but seriously, Shep. Just tell mom. Yeah, she won't be happy with you for not telling her right away and letting things get as bad as they were, but she loves you. Not as much as me, but she still does."

I roll my eyes at him, "It's not that easy. You know mom."

"Mom's mom. She'll help you get your shit together no matter what."

"I know, but I don't want to disappoint her any more than I already have."

"Kinda late for that now," he says letting out a small laugh. "Look, you want to get ready for Grey, but you need mom to help you out. Only way that'll happen is if you talk to her. We both know this goes way beyond telling her about the mess with you and Grey. You're just using that as an excuse to avoid the real issue."

"No I'm not."

"Yes you are, Shep. You have to talk to her about dad."

"None of this is about dad," I say, gritting my teeth in annoyance.

"Yes it is. Ever since he died, you've closed off a part of yourself. You didn't grieve, Derek. You were too busy being the man of the house to let yourself grieve."

"Shut up, Mark. You know nothing about what I felt when dad died."

"You're right, I don't. But that's because you wouldn't talk to anyone about it. Mom was worried half to death that you were bottling everything inside. She knew this was going to happen. She knew that one day, it would all catch up to you. Why the hell do you think I told you to go back to the beginning?"

I stand up, angry now at my friend, all rational thought leaving my head, "You do not get to talk about how I dealt with the death of **my** father. You have no right, Mark."

"You need to hear it, Shep. You need to let it out. I'm not fighting you on this. But when mom comes, you have to talk to her about it," he says calmly. "I'll go, you stay. Just think about it."

I sit back down as Mark walks towards the bar. I am seething. I coped. I didn't talk about it and I avoided, but I dealt with it the way I could manage. All I can really think about is how Mark had no right to bring up dad, how he has no right to be friends with Meredith. All I can feel now is anger; anger at Mark for being right, at dad for dying, at mom for not pushing me to grieve, at Meredith for dying. But mostly, I'm angry at myself for letting my life spiral out of control. It isn't only Meredith who avoids. I do too. I know that it is largely because of what happened to Dad. Mark is right. I closed a part of myself off to everyone. I shouldn't have gotten angry at him. He's been helping me sort this mess out and get my head screwed on straight.

I'm too busy wallowing in a mixture of self-loathing and self-pity to notice that Meredith is now sitting in front of me with a glass of scotch for me. "Looked like you could use the company," she says, offering a small smile.

"Mark?"

"Yeah. And I've been watching."

"You've been watching?" She just nods shyly. I can't help but smile at her admission, my heart fluttering in disbelief. Something has shifted with her. She's made it clear that we still weren't quite friends yet, but I can tell we're well on our way there. I should've figured her previous freak out was only momentary. She is Meredith after all. "Thanks," I say with a sincere smile, finishing off the last of my scotch.

"Want to get out of here?" she asks. I can clearly see from her face that the question surprises her as much as it surprises me.

"Yeah," I say standing up, grabbing her coat for her and helping her put it on. We both gather our things and walk out of Joe's, giving Mark a small nod, silently apologizing for how I acted. He responds by raising his glass towards me with a smile. I turn to Meredith to ask her where she wants to go.

"Cliff? We can talk about it if you want or just look at the view," she says with a smile.

"Cliff it is." Tonight I need her and she knows it, just like I knew that she needed me last night. As we walk towards her car, she surprises me yet again by grabbing my hand and giving it a comforting squeeze. With that simple gesture, I realize that I have to do whatever it takes to get her back, to make her believe in me and us again. And when that happens, I will never let go again.


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter 20**

"So do you want to talk about it?" she asks, breaking the silence that has enveloped us since we left Joe's.

"Not really."

She groans, "Derek..."

"I can't, Mer," I insist.

"Yes you can. You just refuse to."

"No."

"It'll make you feel better."

I give her a questioning look, "Says the woman who avoids."

"I'm not the one avoiding now, am I?" she says, arching her eyebrow in my direction.

"Hey, you said we can just sit and look at the view."

"Yeah, but," she says with a pout, "fine! Hmph." I can't help but laugh at her childlike display of irritation. "Stop laughing at me!"

"You're cute."

"I mean it, Derek," she says, pouting some more. It takes everything in me to not kiss her.

"It's true."

"I'm not being cute."

"But you are," I say, laughing some more.

"Stop it!" she says, shooting me a playful glare.

"But you're so cute when you pout."

"No, I'm not."

"You are."

"Not," she says as I start to tickle her. "Derek , stop!" she says giggling.

"But this is fun," I say, tickling her lightly.

"No it's not," she says laughing and gasping for air.

"Fine, fine. Spoilsport," I say sticking out my tongue at her.

"That's not nice, you know. I'm trying to do the friend thing here and you're making fun of me and tickling me. I should just go," she says, moving to get up, a smile still on her face.

"No, don't." I grab her arm, lightly to keep her from going anywhere. It dawns on me that she said something about friends. I give her the most charming smile I could, "So, friends huh?"

"Yeah. Friends. We're friends. I mean, we still have a long way to go, but...friends. We never really were less than friends," she says, a smile still on her face, but I can see a tinge of worry in her eyes. "That's okay right? I mean, you want to be friends too right?"

"Yeah, Mer. I was actually wondering when you were going to realize we've been doing the friendship thing," I say chuckling.

"Ass," she says, removing her arm from my grasp and playfully slapping me. "But seriously, Derek. If we're going to do the friend thing well, you have to talk to me."

I'm proud of her. She has grown. She is trying to get and ready and she's almost there. A part of can't help but feel a little jealous though. I want to be ready too, so I can give her everything she deserves. If she ever gives me another chance. I cock my eyebrow in her direction, "Look at you. Meredith Grey, wanting to talk."

She rolls her eyes at me, "Growing, Der, growing. I'm trying to act my age here. You should try it some time."

"Ouch. You suck at the friend thing. Friends are supposed to be nice."

"Friends are supposed to talk to friends."

"I am talking to you," I say with a playful smirk.

"You know what I mean, smartass," she says, rolling her eyes again.

"No, tell me."

"Derek," she groans.

"Really, Mer, tell me."

"You're not funny," she says, shooting me a glare.

"Of course I am, but are we going to sit here and have you insult me and call me more names, or are you going to tell me what you mean?" I ask, a playful grin on my face.

She rolls her eyes, "Fine. What's bothering you?"

"Nothing."

"Derek..."

"I'm serious, Mer."

She frowns, "Derek, if nothing is bothering you, you wouldn't have gotten upset with Mark."

"That was nothing." It was something, but I couldn't tell her. Not yet, anyway. If I was ever going to tell her about dad, it will be after I talk to mom first.

She sighs, "It was something or you wouldn't have been looking like you just lost your puppy."

"Just for tonight, Mer, can we ignore it?" I plead as calmly as I can, not wanting to completely jeopardize our current friendship. I know that by not talking to her I'm only planting seeds of doubt in her mind that this friendship might not work, but I can't bring myself to tell her what exactly is bothering me.

"I'm just trying to be your friend, Derek. I really want this to work."

"I know, Mer, and so do I. I'm happy that you're here. I needed you here," I say wrapping my arms around her and pulling her close.

"You've got a funny way of showing it," she mutters laying her head on my shoulder.

I let out a slightly defeated sigh and place my head on top of hers, "I'll tell you. Eventually, I'll tell you about it. I promise. But I can't yet. I need to think this through by myself."

"But maybe I can help," she protests.

"You're helping just by being here with me."

She lifts up her head and looks at me, taking my face in her hands. "I want to be there for you, Derek. I want to be able to trust you, but I can't do that if you won't let me," she says sadly.

"I know, Mer. But you need to let me grow too, by myself. Eventually, I'll tell you things. I promise," I say, taking her hands in mine.

"But you're avoiding. You hate it when I avoid," she says with a pout.

I cringe a little, "I know. I'm a hypocrite. But I swear I'm not completely avoiding. I'm just...delaying the conversation until I'm ready."

"Fine. I...fine. I'll let it go for now. But...never mind."

"But what?"

"I...that's why your mom is coming isn't it?"

"I'm pretty sure I told you that, but yes, I want to talk to her first; make things right with her, before I can make things right between us."

"Things between us are going fine, Der," she says rolling her eyes.

"I know, but it could be better after I make things right with her."

"Okay. You...I did what I had to do and now you do what you have to do. I'll...we're friends, Derek. Just remember that," she says with a smile. The first genuine smile I've seen on her beautiful face in a long time. It makes my heart flutter that I can still elicit such a smile from her despite everything we've been through.

I pull her towards me again, placing a light kiss on her forehead before looking her in the eye, "I know. Thank you."

"You don't have to thank me for anything."

"Thank you for coming and making me feel better," I say with a sincere smile.

She responds by nestling further into my embrace. All I can think about is how I want to have moments like this with Meredith for the rest of my life and how I have to fix myself soon so we can get back to being us. She's made her way back into my arms and now I have to find my way back into hers.

_I can feel you coming my way  
I think about you everyday  
I cannot remember ever feeling better  
I just want you here to stay_


	21. Chapter 21

**Derek doesn't have the house built there yet. He has the plans, but he hasn't started the building process. **

**Thanks for all the reviews guys! Keep 'em coming. I've almost caught this up with the other boards 2 or 3 more updates. :D**

**Chapter 21**

Where the hell is Derek? Why is it that the one day I need him to be here and be all Derek-like I can't find him? Is it really too much for a girl to need to see her friend after she just lost a patient? I just need a hug; someone to tell me everything will be alright, but my damn teddy bear is missing right now.

Did I just refer to Derek as my teddy bear in my head?

Anyway, he's not in his office, he's not in surgery or any of the on-call rooms, and not in the cafeteria. And he's not with Mark since Mark is right there by the nurse's station. Go figure. I should ask Mark.

"Excuse me, Dr. Sloan, Can I speak with you for a minute?"

"Why so formal, Grey?" he asks with a smirk.

I roll my eyes at him, "Have you seen Derek?"

"He took the day off. Picked up mom from the airport and do all those things least favourite sons do with their mothers."

"What?"

"He picked up mom-"

"I heard what you said, Mark," I interrupt, rolling my eyes. "His mom- your mom is here? In Seattle? Now?"

"I thought you heard me the first time."

I shoot him a glare, "I did, but Derek said the fourth. It's..." I glace at my watch, my face falling, "the fourth. Crap. How did I forget? Crap. This is bad. I'm not ready. Crap."

"Calm down, Grey," Mark says, taking my arm and leading me away from the nurse's station.

I give him a frown, "You want me to calm down? Mrs. Shepherd is here. In Seattle. And I forgot, which makes me a really crappy friend. Who forgets their friend's mom is visiting and wants to meet said crappy friend? Me, that's who."

"Mom's great. You'll love her," he tells me as we reach the basement hallway.

"You don't get it Mark, mom's don't like me," I say as we sit on one of the gurneys.

"Mom's different. Trust me."

I raise an eyebrow at him, "Trust you? Seriously?"

He frowns, "You say that like I can never be trusted."

"Addison ring any bells?"

"That was one time!" he groans. I raise an eyebrow at him again. "Fine. It wasn't, but when it comes to mom, trust me."

"Still. This is huge. I don't do moms. Moms hate me. I'm not the kind of girl someone would bring home to mom."

"Am I missing something here?" he asks with a smirk.

"Aside from the fact Mrs. Shepherd is going to hate me?"

"You're acting like you and Shep are together."

"He hasn't told his mom we're not," I point out.

"True. But you know you're 'not' and you're freaking out like you are."

"There's no 'not' about it. We're not together. Definitely not. Friends. We're just friends."

"Right. So why are you freaking out so much?"

"Have you been listening to a word I've said?" I ask with a frown.

"Moms hate you and meeting mom is big blah blah blah. The way I see it, mom already loves you."

"She's never even met me."

"But she's heard plenty about you."

"From Nancy," I say with a frown.

"No, from me and Shep," he says pointedly. "She knows you make him act like a girl, Grey. She knows you make him happier than ever. Nancy's a bitch. Even mom told me it was a mistake sending her."

"She can't love me. I'm the dirty mistress."

"She used to see that way, not anymore," he tells me with a serious look that I've rarely seen on his face, telling me that he means every word. "Look, all mom cares about is that Derek's happy. Even if the fool doesn't talk to her as much as her favourite son, she still wants him to be happy and that's what you make him."

"Until she finds out what happened," I murmur. "I'm surprised you haven't told her."

He shrugs, "That's not my business."

I laugh at him, "Yet it's your business when we're together?"

"That's not the point," he frowns. "The point is you make Shep happy so, in mom's eyes, you're gold. She'll be disappointed at Derek for screwing it up."

"He's not the only one that screwed up though."

"She's only going to hear his side, Grey. Knowing his girly ass, he'll blame it all on himself."

I shake my head, "He can't do that."

"But he will. I ought to kick his ass for being so damn girly about it, but it won't really make a difference."

"You have to tell her it's not all his fault Mark."

"Me? You should be the one to tell her. Gives you something to talk about."

"I'm not going to talk to her about Derek and I," I say rolling my eyes.

"You say that now, but mom, she's got a way of making you talk. You'll see."

"Great. Do I really have to meet her?" I groan.

"She's been asking to since Derek invited her over."

"You know what, I'll help you kick his ass."

"Deal. You can hold him, while I do the beating," he says with a smirk.

"Then we'll switch," I laugh. "So I shouldn't be worried?"

"No reason to be. She's just mom. She loves Derek, that's gotta tell you so much right there."

"I think it's more telling that she loves you," I say with a laugh.

"I resent that!" he says indignantly as his pager goes off. "Duty calls. Or should I say booty calls," he says with a mischievous smile, wiggling his eyebrows.

I roll my eyes at him, laughing, before giving him a serious, sincere look, "Thanks, Mark."

"Don't sweat it, Grey. You'll love mom. I promise," he says, giving me a small squeeze before walking away.

I can do this. I can meet Mrs. Shepherd. I am capable of having a perfectly decent conversation with the mother of my ex-boyfriend turned friend. I need for it to go well. Now if I can just convince myself that I can do this, everything will be perfect.


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter 22**

I shouldn't be nervous. It's just mom, nothing at all to be nervous about. Except for the fact that I didn't call her for two months and all of a sudden I ask her to come here. I've been a bad boyfriend and an even worse son. I have to make it up to her. Somehow, some way, I'll make it all up to mom.

"Derek!"

"Mom!" I say with a huge smile, moving forward to give my mother a hug.

"How are you dear? You look good," she says, giving me a once over.

"Thanks mom," I say, taking her bags from her and leading her out to my car. "How was the flight?"

"Comfortable," she says as we step out of the airport.

"That's great mom." Okay. This isn't supposed to be awkward. She's mom. We don't do awkward.

"This doesn't have to be awkward, Derek."

"It's not."

"Don't lie to your mother. I know you, dear."

I let out a sigh, "I'm sorry mom. I don't want it to be awkward. It's just...I've messed up a lot lately."

"Everyone makes mistakes, Derek. I know there's something you want to tell me. That's why you brought me here, isn't it?" she asks as we reach the car.

"Yeah. Just...not right now. Right now, I just want to spend some time with my mom," I say, opening the door for her.

She gives me a smile and puts a hand on my arm, "Of course, dear. I'm quite hungry, why don't we go get some lunch."

"Sure, mom," I say with a smile before closing her door and walking around to the driver's side. "So, how's New York?" I ask as I start the car.

"It's lonely without you and Markie. Where is he anyway?"

"He couldn't get the day off. He really wants to see you though."

"Of course I'm going to see Markie while I'm here. Unlike my other son, he calls me every week," she says, raising her eyebrows at me.

I sigh, "I'm sorry, mom. I really am. Things have just been a little...complicated lately."

"I'm your mother, Derek. I'm here to help you when things get complicated."

"I know, mom. And again, I'm sorry for not calling for two months. I promise I'll be better," I say, looking at her quickly and giving her a smile, "How are the girls?"

"Everyone's doing great. They all send their love. And Sophie's about ready to come out here herself if you don't call her son."

I let out a soft chuckle, "I'll make sure to call her tonight. Although having her come here won't be such a bad thing."

"She'll certainly make sure that you call us regularly," she says with a laugh.

"How are the kids?"

"They're all doing well. Charlotte is starting to look at colleges right now."

"Going into medicine, I hope."

"Of course. I think your sister would disown her if she didn't."

"Nancy would," I say laughing, while rolling my eyes. "I don't think any of them have a choice."

"Nancy just wants the best for them."

"I know, mom, but sometimes, she has to let them decide for themselves," I say as we pull up to the restaurant.

"This is Nancy we're talking about, dear," she says with a laugh.

"And I still don't know how Peter puts up with her," I say, opening my door to get out. As I walk around the car to get the door for mom, I let out a sigh of relief, thanking whatever higher power it is there for allowing the awkwardness between us to pass.

The light conversation follows us to the table. Thankfully, she hasn't brought up Meredith yet. Although I must say I'm quite surprised by this. Knowing mom, however, I'm sure she already suspects that I brought her out here for reasons concerning Meredith. She's always known me better than anyone, including myself. That's what I love and hate about her at the same time.

"How's your steak, Derek?"

"It's great, mom," I say with a smile, "And your pasta?"

"Wonderful. This is a lovely restaurant. Nothing like in New York, of course," she says with a small laugh, before turning serious, "So are we going to talk about the real reason I'm here, Derek?"

I let out a small sigh, running my hands through my hair, "You just got here, mom. I don't want to bother you with that stuff yet."

"It bothers me when it clearly bothers you, Derek. So just come out with it. It's about Meredith isn't it?" See. She has the uncanny ability to know everything.

I've decided to humour her, "How did you know?"

"Don't play me for a fool, Derek Michael. Everything in your life since you've moved here has to do with Meredith," she says sternly.

"And by everything, you mean what you've heard from Nancy," I groan.

"Wipe that frown off your face. It's not doing you any wonders. I'll have you know that I happen to like Meredith," taking a bite of her pasta.

I look up to her in shock, "You like Meredith? You haven't even met her."

"What I've heard from you and Mark are enough. Even Nancy can't sway my opinion of her," she says firmly.

A smile slowly starts to make its way onto my face, "I love her, mom."

"That much is clear, Derek," she says with a smile, "I've never known you to be happier."

"I've never been. She's just...she's unreal. She's amazing and beautiful. You'll love her."

"I already do if she makes you this happy. But it isn't going well right now is it?"

I frown slightly, "Really, mom. How do you know these things? Is it Mark?"

She lets out a small laugh, "Oh dear, you wouldn't have me come out here to tell me things are going well. Markie may have mentioned something about you needing my help though."

I sigh, mumbling softly, "Meredith and I may have broken up."

She frowns slightly, "What do you mean 'may have broken up'? Are you together or are you not?"

"We're not. We haven't been for about three months now," I say sheepishly.

"Derek Michael Shepherd! You've put the poor girl through hell and back and now you're telling me everything you've both gone through was for nothing."

"Mom, can we not talk about it here," I ask, consciously looking around as I chew a piece of my steak.

"No, Derek, we are talking about it now," she says sternly before her features soften a little, "What happened?"

"I don't know, mom," I say, running a hand through my hair, "One day we were happy, the next she was dead. We were in this limbo for awhile and the next thing I know, I'm showing her house plans and yelling her about not being able to trust me."

"Oh Derek," she says giving me a sympathetic look.

"I just...I don't know mom," I say running a hand over my face. "It's my entire fault that it got to this point. I mean, we're friends now, but I need for it to be more and I don't know how to get it all back."

"I'm sure it's not all your fault, dear. It takes two people to make a relationship work and it also takes two people to make it fall apart."

"But mom, if I had given her more time, if I hadn't shown her the house plans, we wouldn't be here," I say as I feel the tears starting to build up in my eyes.

"Oh Derek, every relationship goes through its ups and downs. While I am disappointed that it got to this point before you asked for my help, I also know that you and Meredith can make it work. From what I've heard from you and Mark, the bond you and Meredith share is very strong. It's up to both of you to fix it, but I will be here to help you any way I can," she says with a comforting smile. "Why don't you drive me to my hotel and you can have the rest of the afternoon to think about what it is you really want before we talk?"

I give her a small smile, "Sure, mom. That sounds good. Let me just get the bill." Having her come here is definitely the best thing I've done to get myself ready for Meredith. Right now, I don't need Meredith. I don't need the money or the accolades. Right now, all I need is my mom.

_You were there for me to love and care for me  
When skies were grey  
Whenever I was down  
You were always there to comfort me  
And no one else can be what you have been to me_

**A few people have been wondering about the Mark-Mama Shep relationship. That will be addressed in the next chapter, as well as a subsequent chapter. **

**Thanks for all the reviews! Keep 'em comin!**


	23. Chapter 23

**Chapter 23**

"...and here is my office," I say, ushering my mom into my office, the final stop of her tour of Seattle Grace Hospital. I am relieved to not have bumped into Meredith in the halls. I do not want to spring mom on her like this, afraid that she will freak out and run.

"Oh it's wonderful dear. You could use some pictures of the family though," she says with a slight frown.

"I know. I just haven't gotten around to it yet," I reply sheepishly.

"I'm sure Markie has found the time to place pictures of us in his office."

"Unfortunately," I say under my breath, gesturing for her to sit on the couch.

"What was that, dear?" she asks, sitting down.

"Nothing, Mom. I'm going to see if Mark is free and we can all head out for lunch."

"Alright," she says as I page Mark to my office. "So do I get to meet Meredith today?"

"I don't know, mom. If we see her, I won't hide her from you, but I can't promise anything. I was hoping to be able to prepare her first."

"Oh, Derek, I'm not going to bit the girl's head off."

"I know, mom," I sigh, running a hand through my hair, "but Mer's important to me and she's not very comfortable with families. I want to make sure she's ready."

"I understand that, dear, but there really is no way to prepare someone for meeting their soon to be in-laws."

"We're friends, mom, we're not getting married," I say rolling my eyes.

"Of course you are, Shep, you're both still in denial about it," Mark interrupts, barging into my office. "Mom!" he exclaims, bringing mom in for a hug.

"Markie," she says returning the hug, a huge smile on her face.

"You're happier to see him than me?" I say with a frown

"I call her every week unlike your sorry ass," Mark says with a smirk.

"You look good, dear, much better than Derek," she says holding him at arms length.

"Thanks, mom," I say, rolling my eyes.

"I've always been the better looking brother," he says, a shit-eating grin on his face. He definitely loves all this attention. "Shall we go for lunch?"

"Yes, dear. Come on Derek," she says, taking Mark's arm and waving me out the door.

"Yeah, Derek, let's go. I'm hungry," he says, smirking at me.

I roll my eyes at him, "You're always hungry."

"I am and right now, I'm craving some Italian. Is that good for you, mom?" he asks as we walk down the hall towards the elevator.

"Absolutely, dear."

"You heard her, Shep. Let's go to that Italian place you and Grey love so much," he says while we wait for the elevator to come.

"Yeah, yeah."

"No need for the attitude, Derek. If you don't want to go there, we can go somewhere else," she says sternly.

"Sorry, mom. It's fine."

"Shep's just being a baby because you just proved I'm better lookin' than him," says Mark with a smug grin, as the elevator bell rings and we step inside.

"So how have you been, Markie? Is your social life as here as healthy as it was in New York?"

I let out a snort and Mark shoots me a glare and gives mom a smile, "Of course it is, mom, and Derek's just jealous because he has no other friends."

"I have friends!" I protest.

"Newsflash, Shep, you and Grey are never going to be just friends."

"We're friends, Mark."

"Oh Derek, everyone knows you love her dearly," mom says putting a hand on my arm.

"I do, mom, but that doesn't mean we're going to be anything more than friends. Too much has happened," I say, letting out a sigh.

"Never say never, dear," she says as the elevator bell rings again, announcing the end of our privacy. The doors open to reveal Meredith. She doesn't look up from the chart she is reading as she steps in, completely oblivious to the rest of us in the tiny box.

"Would it kill you to say hello, Grey?"

She frowns, not looking up, and rolls her eyes, "Hello Dr. Sloan."

"Grey, say hi to my mom, Katherine Shepherd."

Her head shoots up at lightning speed, eyes wide and mouth open in shock. I give her a sheepish grin, "Hey Mer."

"Uh hi Mrs. Shepherd," she says, giving my mom an unsure smile and shooting me a look telling me that we will be having a long talk about this later.

"Mom, this is Grey, Shep's girlfriend."

"Hello, Meredith. It's nice to finally meet you," she says, moving to give Meredith a hug, which Meredith returns awkwardly.

"Uh I'm not Derek's girlfriend. We're just friends," she says giving Mark a death glare.

"Yeah, yeah," says Mark dismissively.

"Sorry about him, Mer."

"I'm used to it," she shrugs, "It's nice to meet you too Mrs. Shepherd."

"Please, call me Katherine," mom says as the elevator doors open to reveal the lobby. "Would you like to join us for lunch? I would love to get to know more about my future daughter in law."

Her cheeks automatically turn red as we all step out of the elevator and I finally decide to step in. "Meredith and I are just friends, mom. You're meeting her as a friend of your son's," I grown, before turning to Meredith, "Sorry, Mer, Mark's been feeding her these things."

Mark shrugs, "Not my fault I talk to her and you don't."

"Fine, Derek, you are only friends. Now, Meredith, as my son's friend, would you like to join us for lunch?" she asks again as we continue walking, before stopping by the coffee cart.

"Uh...It's okay, Katherine. I'm not really that hungry and I have to work. Thank you, though, but I've got to get back to work. I just came here to get coffee. Not food. But thank you for the offer."

"That's too bad. I would love to sit down and talk to you some more. Markie talks about you a lot and I know Derek is very taken by you."

A blush makes its way onto her cheeks and I feel mine reddening as well. Mark is just standing there snickering like the idiot that he is.

"Maybe another time," Meredith says.

"Can we go now, mom? I've gotta get back to work too," says Mark, tapping his foot impatiently.

"Of course, Markie, don't be so impatient. Goodbye, Meredith. I look forward to seeing you again," she says with a smile, leaning in to hug Meredith goodbye.

"You too, Katherine. Have a good lunch," Meredith says, giving my mom a small smile.

"Later, Grey," says Mark, taking mom's arm once again and walking away leaving Meredith and I to ourselves.

"I'm sorry about that, Mer. I wasn't planning on introducing her to you like that."

"Technically, Mark introduced us," she says with a giggle.

"Well...yeah, but still. It could've been better. And it's all Mark that's been telling all those things about us."

"It's ok, Derek," she tells me with a smile. "You should go. Your mom's probably hungry."

"Yeah. I'll talk to you tomorrow?" I ask hopefully.

"Yeah," she says, leaning in to give me a hug, "Later, Der."

"Bye," I say, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek, before jogging after Mark and my mom. That definitely went better than I had expected. I suppose Mark being there had been a blessing, though I would never admit that to him. "So that went well," I say as I caught up to them.

"She's very nice, Derek, and she certainly handled meeting me very well."

"Yeah, I was pretty shocked by it too."

"You can thank me for that, Shep," interjects Mark with a smug grin on his face.

"What are you talking about?" I look at him questioningly as we reach my car.

"She was freaking out, man. Forgot mom was coming. Of course I calmed her down," he says as he opens the door for mom.

"What do you mean calm her down?" I ask, my eyes narrowing.

"Relax, Shep. I just talk to her, told her how great mom is," he says getting into the car.

"Thank you, Markie. I'm sure she was worried enough about meeting me."

"She was, mom, but I helped her see how great you are," he says, giving her a smile as we make our way to the restaurant. "Shep here couldn't even give her the time of day to make sure everything went smoothly."

"I was at the airport picking up mom," I respond, rolling my eyes.

"Excuses, Shep. So mom, how's the Big Apple?" he asks, turning his attention back to mom.

"Oh it's wonderful, dear. A tad cold right now, but it's starting to warm up a bit."

"How are the girls and the kids? I hear Charlotte's looking into med schools right now. NYU better be at the top of that list or Nancypants and I will have to have a serious talk."

She laughs, "I believe it's one of her top three choices. And the girls all say hello. Sophie's dying to hear from the both of you."

"We should get her to come out here, Shep. She'll help straighten your ass too," he says with a smirk.

"I don't think Seattle is ready for Sophie Shepherd just yet," I say with a chuckle, parking the car outside the restaurant.

"Probably not, but you sure as hell need her."

"I do not," I say with a frown, stepping out of the car and opening that door for mom.

"I'm sure Sophie would love to help as well, Derek. She misses you very much, you know," she says sternly as we walk inside.

"And I miss her too. I called her last night after I dropped you off and I never heard the end of it."

"Your fault for going so long without calling her," Mark says with a smirk.

"Yes, I know. I've already apologized profusely and promised to call her weekly or risk an untimely death."

"She doesn't mean that, Derek," mom says with a laugh as we sit at our table.

"Of course she does. She'll still have her favourite brother here anyway."

"Exactly, because she would never plot my death," I say with a smirk.

"Whatever, Shep. We both know I'm her favourite brother, just like I'm mom's favourite son, right mom?"

"You boys know I love you both dearly. So what is good here?" asks mom.

"You should try cannelloni, mom. It rivals Angelo's," I suggest.

"It must be very good then."

"It is," I nod, as the waiter approaches to take our orders.

"So Derek, are you going to tell me the main reason I'm in Seattle now?"

"You already know it's about Meredith mom," I groan.

"What do you mean about Meredith? Haven't you been listening to me Shep?" Mark asks with a frown.

"It is about Meredith. It's about how I can get ready for her. And mom, I don't really want to talk about it with Sloan here," I say shooting Mark a glare.

"Like I won't hear about it. Once you get him started, mom, he never shuts up. I swear you had five daughters, instead of four once Shep gets started."

"Oh Markie, Derek's in love. You'll understand it when the right girl comes too," she says sympathetically.

"Yeah Markie."

"I like my healthy social life, mom," he says with a frown.

"Of course you do dear, but you're not getting any younger, you're bound to settle down eventually."

I let out a chuckle, remembering the school bus incident when one of the students likened Mark to her dad. "Shut up, Shep," he says shooting me a glare, "maybe, mom, but right now, I'm enjoying life. Unlike Derek here."

"Hey! I'm enjoying life. Just not the same way you are."

"Sure you are," he says as our food arrives.

"This looks delicious!"

"It is, mom. Wait 'til you try it," I say.

"You're right. It's even better than Angelo's," she says with a smile. "This is yours and Meredith's favourite place you say?"

"It is," I nod.

"I can see why. They have excellent food here," she says taking another bite.

And so the next hour goes. With conversations about the family, Meredith, and Mark and myself. It is great, like we are back in New York again, having our weekly lunch. It is great to have mom here. Not only is it helping me mend my relationship with her, but it's helping with my relationship with Mark as well. Mom has always had a way of bringing people together and I'm counting on that to help me with Meredith. But I'm dreading talking to her about dad. I have to. I have to stop avoiding it, now I just have to muster up the courage to admit what I need to do.

**All caught up now. I'm not sure when the next one will be up after this, but I'm hoping some time soonish.**


	24. Chapter 24

**Chapter 24**

"Did you see that lady with McDreamy earlier?" asks Cristina as she sits beside me in the gallery to watch the surgery going on below.

"That was his mom."

I see her try to control herself from spitting out the water she is drinking from the corner of my eye. "You met her?" she asks incredulously.

I nod, "I didn't really have a choice."

"Running the opposite direction might've been a good idea."

"You would think so, but the four walls of the elevator made that a little hard," I say leaning back into my chair and reaching over into the bag of chips she is eating.

"And you're still alive?"

I shrug, "She's nice. Freakishly nice considering everything that's gone through between Derek and me, but I'm okay."

"Ok, who are you and what have you done with Meredith?" she asks with a frown, looking at me as though I've grown two heads.

"I'm still me, but I told you, I'm done running."

"His mom Meredith, you just met his mom and you're not freaking out."

"I was freaking out," I admit, "Before I met her, I forgot she was supposed to already be here. Mark told me she was already here and I freaked out, but that's over now."

"Are you sure you're not sick or something?" she asks, moving to place her hand on my forehead to check if I running a fever.

"No," I say, swatting her hand away, "I'm ok Cristina. I mean, she wants to sit down and get to know me, but I'm not going to worry about that right now. Not when there's a really cool surgery going down there," I point out with a smile.

"Of course it's cool. It's cardio. Man, I'd kill to be there right now," she says with a sigh, before adding, "You've got it bad."

"I do not!" I protest. "I have simply accepted that she's here and she wants to talk to me. It's part of growing. You should try it sometime."

"Whatever, Mer," she smirks. "So how was it?"

"I told you, it went well."

"She didn't go all Mama Burke on you?"

"No," I say, shaking my head, "she hugged me."

"She hugged you?" she says in dsgust.

"Yeah. It was weird at first, I'll admit, but it felt kinda nice."

"You're not turning into one of those people are you?"

"Those people?" I ask, slightly confused.

"Those people who like hugging and mothers and families and all that crap."

"Oh. Those people. It's not really that bad Cristina. Besides, it's not like I'm going to be seeing her after this trip," I say with a shrug.

"So you're still in denial about that."

"About what?" I ask.

"You and McDreamy," she replies.

"What about us?"

"And here I though your head's been cleared," she says with a smirk, "Everyone knows where this friendship with him is headed."

"No, Cristina, we're not going there unless it's supposed to happen. I've already accepted that," I say, leaning forward slightly as they begin to work on the heart.

"Yep, definitely denial," she says, leaning forward as well, placing her elbows on her knees and resting her chin on her hands.

"I'm not. I'm just being realistic. I'm not closing the door on that possibility, but I'm being realistic about it. Believe it or not, I'm happy the way we are. I can breathe," I say with a small smile playing on my lips. I truly am happy with the way things are right now. I have come to realize that Derek and I are definitely taking the right steps in mending our relationship. There are still things to talk about, but I know he needs to talk to his mother first, before we can hash them out and work on us, but we're helping each other with it and it's doing us both some good. We're learning to walk on our own two feet first before we give walking together a real chance.

"But you still love him?" Cristina says, interrupting my thoughts.

"I do," I say, nodding my head.

"And you're both happy with being just friends?" she asks sceptical.

"We are. At least, I am. I think he's just happy we're something right now," I say, giggling softly.

"I think McDreamy would be happy if you just looked at him," she says smirking. I just laugh in response. "So how did he spring his mom on you? And on an elevator?" she asks raising an eyebrow.

"It was Mark."

"Mark?"

"I was heading down to the lobby to get coffee and I was reading a chart. I didn't notice they were standing there until Mark bellowed," I say, now laughing at the memory.

"What about Shepherd?"

"He just stood there looking sorry."

"He let Sloan introduce his mom to you? This is worse than I thought," she says, shaking her head.

"What do you mean?" I ask confused.

"Shepherd's completely lost his balls. I thought he just had a hard time getting it up," she says with a laugh.

"I'm...not going to comment on that," I say, laughing and turning my head to observe the surgery below.

"How was the meeting?"

"Awkward at first," I say, turning to look at her, "She invited me to lunch."

"And you still didn't run?" she asks, raising her eyebrow at me, "I'm impressed."

"Growing," I say, pointing to myself.

"Apparently. I take it you said no?"

"I'm sitting right here aren't I?"

"And you're actually going to talk to her again?" she asks.

"I think so. She wants to and I think it will be good, you know. It might help me learn more about Derek and maybe move on from him."

"But you don't want to move on from him," she points out.

"True, but I also have to be prepared just in case," I reply.

"You're changing, Mer," she says looking at me.

"Maybe I'm just becoming who I really am. Maybe I'm just getting over all the issues and just being me," I say with a shrug.

"Good for you, I think. As long as you don't go all Barbie on me, we'll be ok," she says, looking down at her beeping pager, "I have to go. One of my idiot interns. Joe's tonight?"

"Yeah," I nod, as she walks away. It feels good not avoiding. I feel like I'm actually accomplishing something with my life and making something of it. I'm finally growing. I'm finally becoming someone I can be proud of. I'm finally becoming who I think I am supposed to be.

**sorry for the delay. school's been really kicking my ass. unfortunately, the next update won't be til after monday since i have an exam, a 4 page assignment, and a 30 page journal that i havent done the readings for yet. **

**but thanks for reading and the comments guys!**


	25. Chapter 25

**Chapter 25**

This is it. This is why I asked her to come here. I have to talk to her and I have to do it today. I'm not ready. I'm never going to be ready, but I have to do this. I have to face my fears of talking about Dad. I have to learn to stop avoiding. Meredith was able to do it - at least she's slowly learning to - and she's the queen of avoiding. So if she can do it, so can I.

"It's very nice land, dear, but don't you think a house would be better than a trailer?" Mom asks, taking me back to reality.

"Yeah, Mom, but I don't really want to live in a big house by myself," I sigh as we walk towards the dock. I should probably show her the cliff, show her that I do want to build a house, but for some reason I can't. I know it won't be any different than when I showed Mark, but that was before the cliff became my place with Meredith. So I can't show her the cliff.

"You don't have to build a big house, Derek."

"I know, Mom. I just...can't," I finish lamely.

"But you have house plans."

"Oh, you remember that," I frown. I was hoping she had forgotten about the plans.

"Of course I do, dear. I pay attention to what my children say," she says with a soft smile as we reach the dock, sitting down on the bench I have set out there for when I went to watch the sunrise.

"I had the plans drawn up for a house with Meredith. I can't just go ahead and build them."

"I understand that, dear, but you don't have to build that house," she says.

"Mom," I sigh, "I don't want to build a house by myself. I don't want to just build any house. I want to build **the** house with someone special."

"Of course you do, Derek, but living in a trailer is not exactly ideal."

"Ideal for who?" I ask with an edge to my voice. "Ideal for you and the sisters? Ideal for successful doctors? I had a house, Mom. I've experienced living in a big house by myself. I can't do that anymore. I don't want to do it. When I build a house, I want to have a family to live in it with me."

"Oh, Derek," she says, concern clearly showing in her eyes.

"I'm sorry, Mom. I didn't mean for it to come out so harshly. I knew you weren't going to be happy that I live in a trailer, but that's the way it is and you're going to have to accept that."

"I know, dear, and I'm sorry too," she says, giving me a smile and squeezing my arm gently, "But Derek, you can't live in the trailer forever."

"I am not planning to," I say, shaking my head. "I showed Meredith the house plans and I plan on building it. Not now, but eventually I will. I will build it when we're both ready."

"What happened, Derek? The last time I spoke with you it seemed as though everything with Meredith was going very well," she asks, looking out into the horizon, concern marring her features.

"It was. Everything was going so well until it just stopped," I say sadly, pausing for a moment, "She died mom."

"Derek," she gasps, placing a hand on my arm.

"And when she did, I felt like my world stopped. I felt like I died too. All I could think about was that I should've picked her the first time, that I could've had that much more time with her being happy if I had just signed the divorce papers right away." I can feel the tears starting to form, my heart squeezing. Mom senses my hesitation to continue, but she knows she has to let me talk, to get everything out in the open. It is as if the dam had burst and I just have to keep going.

"You don't know what it was like, Mom. It killed me to have to do CPR on her. She was cold and blue, just the shell of the woman I love. And when they brought her back, I wasn't even the first one there to see her. I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to see that she was alive. Her mother just died and I was the one there," I say as the tears start falling. I run my hands through my hair and keep going, "I was with her mom instead of her. I was the doctor when Ellis Grey died and I couldn't bring myself to face Meredith after that. I felt like I had killed her mother. I felt like I had failed Meredith. So I avoided."

"Of course I had made sure she was alright. I made sure that she was back with me, but it was different. It was a like a piece of me had died when she died. I came here afterwards. The trailer was my sanctuary, but it really wasn't. I wasn't talking to you or the sisters, I didn't have Mark, and I didn't have Meredith. I was dealing with so many things, Mom. I thought I could handle it. I thought I could be strong like I tried to be when Dad died," I choke out, looking at her as the tear start falling freely.

She puts an arm around me and rubs my back gently, "Derek, You never have to try to be strong. We're here for you. No one expects you to be strong every time."

"I know. I know that, Mom," I say, my shoulders shaking, "But I was thirteen. I was the only man left in the house. I was scared that if I broke down, everything would just fall apart. And now it has because I avoided then and I'm avoiding now. I'm sorry, Mom. I'm so, so sorry. I failed you and Dad. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"You don't have to be sorry, Derek," she says as I feel the tears start falling from her eyes, hitting my head.

"I do, Mom," I interject.

"No, Derek. You have nothing to be sorry for. You did what you thought was best for you and for the family. You don't get to be sorry for that. I'll admit I was extremely concerned that you weren't allowing yourself to grieve, but you don't have to apologize for that."

"But Mom-" I begin, looking up at her.

"No, Derek," she says, shaking her head, "You never failed us. I'm so proud of you. You've been through so much and here you are. You are successful, healthy, in love, and you have a woman that loves you. That's all I can ask for, Derek."

"I turned my back on the family, Mom. I left New York for Seattle. I didn't call you as much as I should have," I say as the tears keep falling.

"You did, and as much as it hurt me that you did, I knew you had to. You needed to find yourself again, Derek. I understand why you did what you did."

"Mom," I breathe as I wrap my arms around her, sobs continuing to rack my body.

"Let it out, dear, let it out," she murmurs, running her hand through my hair. We sit there for awhile, just holding onto each other like we did whenever I had nightmares and couldn't sleep as a boy. I miss this. I miss my mom. I'm glad I listened to Mark. I need her. I feel so ashamed to have turned my back on her and yet here she is, holding me and telling me that I have nothing to be sorry for.

The tears slowly begin to subside, but I know that more will come later on. We still have a lot to talk about, but a cool breeze is starting to pick up. "Do you want to go inside, Mom?" I ask, wiping the remaining tears from my eyes. She simply nods in response. We walk back towards the trailer in silence, the emotions of our talk still lingering in the air around us. I offer her the small couch while I make us a pot of coffee. We stay in silence a bit more until the coffee is done percolating. I pour us each a cup and make my way to the couch to sit beside her.

"What else happened, Derek?" she asks, knowing that there was still more for me to tell her about Meredith.

I take a deep breath before starting, "After she came back, I started pulling away and we started drifting apart. Partially because I still felt responsible for her mother's death, but also because Richard told me he couldn't give me Chief because he was looking out for Meredith. It was my dream.

"Was?" she asks.

"Was," I nod, "Until I met Mer. I didn't realize it until much later, but my dreams changed when I met her. I knew that if I could just get to spend the rest of my life with her, I would be completely happy. I don't need to be Chief anymore. If it happens, it happens, but it's not at the top of my list anymore. Making Meredith happy is."

"That's good, Derek. I'm happy you've realized that work isn't everything."

I nod in agreement, "What I went through with Addison opened my eyes to that. I knew I didn't want that to happen again if I ever found someone. But it still happened. We still drifted away because of my career. I was so blind, Mom. I didn't see that what I had with Meredith was far too valuable to throw away just because Richard wouldn't give me chief. But eventually, I figured it out. Richard did offer me chief, but I turned him down. I knew what I wanted and I wanted Meredith. At that point, I was just hoping that she still wanted the same thing."

"I confronted her before Dr. Burke's wedding, I told you about it," she nods. "She broke up with me that day. At least I thought she did and I was crushed. She left after the wedding. Seventeen days. Seventeen long days when all I could do was think and worry that it was over, that I avoided far too much and put all the blame on her. When she came back, we talked. Well, not really, but she told me straight up that it was over," I tell her sadly, finishing off my coffee and setting it on the small table in front of us.

"I couldn't let it happen so we fooled around. Sex and mockery," I say, with a small chuckle. "I knew you wouldn't be happy about it so I stopped calling. It wasn't how you raised us to live."

"I raised Markie too, Derek," she says with a laugh.

"Yeah, but I know you never expected that from me. We did sex and mockery for awhile, but I needed more and I told her that. I was dating. I shouldn't have been. She was dealing with too much. Her mother died, her stepmother died, too, she's just starting her residency, and she met a sister she never knew existed. But I laid it out on the table. Eventually, I just couldn't wait. She wasn't ready. She was trying to, she told me she was. She told me she didn't want me to date anymore, but I needed more. So I showed her the house plans. I thought that since she was getting ready, she wouldn't avoid and freak out, but she did. I couldn't handle it. I kissed someone else, Mom. I kissed someone else when the woman I love was trying to get ready for me. I was too selfish, Mom. I kept taking and taking, but I never really took the time to consider what she was going through. And now I've lost her," I say, tears beginning to form in my eyes once again.

"You haven't lost her, Derek. That girl loves you very much," she says, rubbing my back.

"She can't wait for me forever, Mom, and I don't expect her to. I've hurt her too much."

"You're talking to me, Derek. You're making the effort. That's something. And I know Meredith loves you very much, dear. She's going to wait for you."

"But what if she doesn't? What if it's too late?" I ask, facing her, the tears once again falling freely.

"You have to fight for her no matter what. You have to keep fighting, because if you don't you're going to regret it. But it's not going to be too late, Derek," she says firmly.

"How do you know that, Mom?"

"I saw the way she looks at you, Derek. It told me all I need to know."

"I just...I can't lose her. Not again. We're friends now and I don't want to screw that up, but I still want more," I say.

"You won't, Derek. But we both know that if you don't try, you're going to lose more."

"I know, Mom. I just don't know what to do. I don't know if I can win her back."

"You can, Derek. She wants you to win her back. I know that. Talk to her. Really talk to her like we're talking right now," she says, putting an arm around me and letting me cry on her shoulder for the second time this afternoon.

"You really like her don't you?" I ask as my tears begin to subside.

"I do," she says softly

"How? You don't even really know her, Mom."

"You love her, Derek. That's always been enough for me. I admit that at first, I was sceptical. I thought you were just hurting and you just needed the companionship."

"What changed?" I ask.

"Markie."

"Mark?"

She nods. "He told me everything, how you hit him, which by the way Derek Michael, I taught you better," she says sternly. I give her an apologetic smile in response before she continues. "It was when Nancy came out here to check up on you. Of course she only focused on the negatives when she told me about Meredith, but Markie, what he said really changed my mind about Meredith."

"What did he say?"

"He said you were lonely with Addison. He said that your eyes lit up whenever Meredith entered the room," she says smiling softly, pausing for a bit before continuing, "He said that you had found your home, that around her, you were the person you were before you father died. When he said that I knew that you had found someone special. You loved Addison, Derek, but it was never like you have with Meredith. I didn't see it at first, but I do now. You were never this broken when you and Addison were having problems."

"No. With Meredith, I just...I feel whole. I feel like I'm on top of the world. I feel like me," I say leaning back on the couch.

"And this is why I like her, Derek."

"I thought because of Nancy, you wouldn't. I thought you would come out here and ream her out. Even when you said you have nothing against her. I just thought maybe you were just saying all that to placate me."

"I'm sorry you felt that way, dear. And I'm sorry for how your sister treated Meredith."

"Thanks, Mom, but you don't have to apologize for Nancy. And you being here and telling me that you really do like Mer is amazing," I say, giving her a smile.

"I just want you to be happy, Derek. I know it's hard right now, but you have to fight for her. She wants you to. And I want the both of you to be happy together."

"I know, Mom. I want us to be happy together too. I want us to build a house and a life together."

"Thank you for asking me to help you, Derek."

I put an arm around her and pull her close. "I wanted you to be here. You're my Mom and I've neglected you. I can't even begin to apologize for that. You're always there for me when I need you. I wouldn't want anyone else's help but yours," I say, giving her a kiss on the cheek before standing up to bring our empty coffee cups to the sink. I'm very lucky to have Katherine Shepherd as my mother. I vow right now never again to turn my back on her.

And Mark. In his own sick and twisted way, the bastard has helped mend my relationship with everyone around me. And he helped me find Meredith. He certainly made up for what he did in a huge way. It occurs to me then the interaction between Mom and Mark.

"How were you able to forgive Mark so easily?" I ask suddenly, turning to face her and leaning against the counter.

"He's family, Derek. Before he came out here, he came to see me to apologize. He looked so broken. His brother was gone and he didn't know what to do anymore."

"He lived with Addison, Mom. They were together for two months after I left."

"I know, Derek. He told me when he came to apologize. We didn't speak for the two months after you left. I don't think he could face us after what had happened. But I missed him. He is as much my son as you are," she says. "I didn't forgive him right away. He wronged you. He destroyed the sanctity of your marriage-"

"But he's family," I whisper.

"He's family," she nods.

"Thank you." I say, moving towards her, giving her a hug.

"For what, dear?"

"For forgiving him. If you hadn't, he wouldn't have come out here and I still won't have my brother."

"Oh, Derek," she breathes as tears begin to fall from her eyes once again.

"Don't cry, Mom," I say, pulling away and wiping her tears with the pad of my thumb and giving her a soft smile.

"I'm just happy my family is whole."

"I am too. So thank you," I say, giving her another hug.

"You're welcome," she whispers.

_But if you never try you'll never know  
Just what you're worth_


	26. Chapter 26

**Chapter 26**

There she is. Mrs. Shepherd. Katherine. I'm guessing she's waiting for Derek to finish surgery. Or Mark. Should I go talk to her? It's going to happen, I know that already. It would be nice to find out more about Derek from his mother. And it might help. Can't knock it 'til you try it right?

"Hey Mer."

"What?" I say, jumping a little in shock. "Oh, hey Lexie."

"Are you ok?" she asks, furrowing her eyebrows slightly.

"Yeah. Just...It's nothing."

"Are you sure? It doesn't look like its nothing. You've been staring at that lady for the past five minutes."

"I haven't been here that long," I frown.

"You kinda have. Who is she anyway? Do you know her?"

"That's Derek's mom."

"And you're staring at her because..." she says, looking at me questioningly.

"I'm trying to decide if I should go talk to her or not," I reply.

"Well, she seems nice," she offers.

"She is."

"You've talked to her?"

I nod. "Once the other day. But Derek was there. Mark too. Now they're not. So I don't know if I should go."

"Do you want to?"

"A little bit, yeah. What do you think?"

"Hmmm. What would you say to her?"

"I don't know," I say, twirling a few strands of my hair in my fingers.

"But you want to talk to her."

"Yeah, kinda. I mean, she'll probably be able to help me understand Derek better, you know. And I already kind of told her I'd talk to her," I say, uncertainty evident in my tone.

"Then you should. I can't tell you what to do, Mer, but I think it's a good idea. At least without Derek around you can ask anything right?"

"I guess. I don't know, Lex."

"Go for it. You said she's nice and she looks like she could use some company. Besides, if it'll help you grow, what do you have to lose?" she says encouragingly, giving my shoulder a small squeeze.

I let out a deep breath. "You're right. Absolutely right. It's just Derek's mom and I've met her and she's nice. I can do this," I say with a slight nod of my head.

"You can, Mer. Absolutely," she says with an encouraging smile.

"Okay. I'm going. Wish me luck," I say straightening my posture and walking towards the Mrs. Shepherd, with what I'm hoping is enough confidence to mask my nervousness. "Hello, Katherine."

She looks up from the magazine she is reading and smiles, "Hello, Meredith. How are you?"

"I'm doing alright. Yourself?" I ask, taking a seat beside her.

"I'm doing very well. Is it always this rainy here?"

I let out a small laugh, "Yeah. You get used to it. Are you waiting for Derek?"

"Yes, would you happen to know what time he'll be out?"

"Uh, I can go and check for you if you'd like."

"That's ok, dear. I can wait." she says shaking her head.

"Oh ok. Would you like to go for a cup of coffee?"

"Sure," she says, putting down the magazine and gathering her things. "So how do you like being a doctor?"

"It's great," I answer with a smile on my face as we walk towards the lobby. "Tiring, but great."

"I remember when Derek and Markie first started their internship. I barely saw them."

"Yeah. The hospital owns us. It's a little easier now that I'm a resident, but not by much."

"It'll be worth in the end. As long as you're happy."

"I hope so," I say with a small sigh.

"You are happy, right Meredith?" she asks, concern washing over her features.

"I think so," I say, nodding slightly. "Sometimes, I feel like something's missing, but most days, I'm ok."

She lets this go for a bit as we reach the coffee cart. We order our coffee and head over to the sitting area. "Something's missing?" she asks.

I nod, "I'm not really sure what it is, but sometimes at night, when I'm laying down on my bed, just before I go to sleep, I feel...alone."

"Do you miss Derek?"

"I...yeah, sometimes," I say avoiding looking at her. I feel a little uneasy talking to Derek's mom about Derek, but that is the point of this. She knows Derek probably better than anyone else, at least who Derek used to be. "Sometimes, I feel like having him there at the end of a long shift when I just need a hug," I continue.

"He misses you too, Meredith, everyday," she says taking a sip of her coffee.

I give her a small smile. "I want to be with him, but I don't know if I can," I admit.

"Because of the past?" she asks. I nod in reply. "You can't let that affect your future, Meredith. I know my son is not the brightest man in the planet when it comes to relationships, but I do know that he loves you so much and he's doing everything he can to prove to himself he deserves you."

"But...I'm the one who doesn't deserve him," I say softly as I finish off my coffee.

"Oh Meredith, you both deserve each other. From what I've seen and heard, it seems that you both just need the time to find yourselves and learn to love who each of you are so that you can fully give yourselves to each other. I'm happy to see that you're both taking the time and steps to be ready for each other. That's what makes a strong relationship, dear," she says, rubbing my shoulders lightly, reassuring me that Derek and I may still actually have a chance.

"Yeah, I guess you're right," I say, giving her a smile.

"I've had some experience in the relationship business," she laughs, "Now enough about that. Tell me more about yourself. Are from Seattle?"

"Originally," I nod. "I was born here, but my mom and I moved to Boston when I was six. I went to Dartmouth for med school and moved back here for my internship."

"And your mother. I'm sorry about that, Meredith. Derek told me," she says giving my arm a small squeeze.

"Thank you, but it's ok really. We had our closure and despite our rocky past, we were able to move past it."

"Well that's nice to hear."

"Yeah. I never really knew it, but my mom did love me the best way she knew how," I say with a smile. "Can I ask you something, Katherine?"

"Of course, anything," she says smiling at me.

"What was Derek like as a child?"

"He was the kind of boy any parent would want to have. He had his moments of mischief, of course, with Mark around," she says with a laugh, a faraway look in her eyes as she reminisces Derek's childhood. "He has always been bright. I always knew he was going to be a brilliant doctor. Both him and Markie. They were terrible together."

"They still are," I interject with a laugh.

"Yes, they are. I don't think that's ever going to change, but I love them for that. They certainly made things interesting. Derek was a very carefree boy. You don't see it as much now, but he was. And he was very happy. His world revolved around his father and his father's revolved around him. They were inseparable," she continues with a wistful smile.

"Then what happened?" I ask.

"Michael passed away."

"I'm sorry," I say giving her arm a small squeeze.

"Thank you," she says before continuing, "When he passed, Derek's eyes lost their sparkle. He was still the same way with Markie, running around playing pranks on the girls, but he just wasn't the same person. That's when he started shutting himself off in his mind. I used to worry about him. He didn't let himself grieve."

"Is that why he ran away to Seattle after he found Addison and Mark?"

"I can't tell you that," she says shaking her head. "That is something Derek will have to tell you about himself. But I do know that around you, the same sparkle he had as a young boy comes back."

I blush slightly, "Thank you."

"No, Meredith, thank you for bringing my little boy back."

"Oh. Uh...You're welcome, Katherine."

"The two of you still have a lot to work on Meredith, you just need to communicate. I know you both can work through this and be happy together," she says with a smile.

"I hope so. I really do love him. I know that sometimes, it doesn't show, but I do"

"I know. And he knows it too. Just remember what you're fighting for. It's very nice to see that both of you are trying to get ready for each other."

"I...Yeah," I say, looking up to see Derek heading over towards us. "There's Derek," I tell her pointing at his direction.

"Perfect. Just remember what I told you, Meredith." I nod as Derek reaches us.

"Hi Mom," he says giving her a kiss on the cheek, before turning to me, "Hey Mer."

"Hi Derek, I was just talking to your mom."

"Yeah," he says with a smile, "Thanks for keeping her company."

"No problem. I was on my break and I saw her and she was alone so I thought I should go over and talk to her," I say looking at my watch. "I should get back. Bailey's going to have my head if I don't get back to the clinic."

"Thank you for the coffee, Meredith," Katherine says, giving me a hug. "I hope I get to see you again if my son ever lets me come back to Seattle."

"Mom," Derek groans.

"You're welcome. And thank you for the advice. I'll be sure to remind Derek that you want to see him once in awhile," I say with a laugh before turning to Derek who was rolling his eyes at me, "I'll see you around Derek."

As I walk away, I hear Katherine tell Derek, "Don't ever let her go." This brings a smile to my face. She really likes me. Despite Nancy and despite everything that has happened, she still likes me. And she wants me for her son.

I'm ready. I am ready to take the next step with Derek. Now all we have to do is talk.

--

**hey everyone, so i'm not sure when the next one will be again. i have an exam on wednesday and i have to pack to go home and go on vacation and all that jazz that comes along with it. i'm going to try and get it done by wednesday since i already know what i want to do with it, but if not withinthe next three days, then definitely by next weekend. thanks everyone for the comments and for reading. it means lots to know i'm not doing this for nothing :)**


	27. Chapter 27

Two Days. It has been two days and I still haven't talked to Derek. It's not like I haven't seen him either. It's just that every time I do see him, I chicken out. It shouldn't be too hard. It's just talking. I've been doing it since I was two. But it's Derek. That alone makes this so much harder. It's not going to be like any of our other talks. This is the talk. The mother of all talks and I'm too chicken to approach him about it. Or I have been. But today is the day. Or at least it will be when I find Derek. Of course the day that I decide I'm finally really ready, he's nowhere to be found.

I round the corner of the hall on my way to his office when I bump into someone. "I know you want me, Grey, but hitting me like that is no way to get me."

"Whatever, Mark," I say rolling my eyes. "Have you seen Derek?"

"Always Derek. When will you ever come looking for me?" he asks with a pout.

"Only in your dreams. Now, really, do you know where Derek is?" I ask impatiently. If I don't find him now, I'm going to crawl back into my shell until the next time I muster up enough courage to go through with talking to him.

"He called in sick."

"He never gets sick," I say with a frown.

"He does now."

"He was fine yesterday," I point out.

"Yeah and today he's sick. Tell me something I don't know," he says as he resumes walking down the hall.

"Is he ok?" I ask following him.

He shrugs, "Just a cough and cold. Nothing too bad. He should be back in a day or two."

"He's at the trailer?" I ask.

"Where else would he be?"

"I'm just making sure, Mark."

"Why the sudden need to see him?" he asks, turning to look at me with a raised brow.

"I have to talk to him."

"You're listening to Mom," he says with a smile.

"I...how did you know what we talked about?"

"I know everything," he replies with a smirk.

I roll my eyes, "Whatever. But yes, I have to talk to him and Katherine helped me realize that."

"I told you Mom was great."

"One of the few times you're right," I say with a giggle.

"Hey! I'm always right."

"Of course, Mark. Whatever helps you sleep at night."

"You'll help me sleep at night," he says with a smirk.

"Are you sure you're not sick?" I say looking at him with furrowed brows as we continue down the hall. I'm not even sure where we're going at this point, nor why I'm still following him.

"Mark Sloan never gets sick," he says proudly.

"Derek said the same thing. Look at him now."

"Shep's a little girl. I'm a real man."

"Excuse me while I vomit," I say, making fake vomit noises.

"Whatever, Grey. You know you want me," he says as we reach the cafeteria. He orders a sandwich and I grab one myself.

"I want to feed you to the lions, if that's what you mean," I say as we find a table to sit on.

"And to think I was going to let you have my pickle," he says, taking the pickle from his sandwich and raising it up with a smirk.

"I don't want your pickle anyway."

"Right. You want Shep's tiny-ass pickle," he says with a laugh.

"Why am I even talking to you?" I say, taking a bite out of my sandwich.

"Because you want me."

"Again, Mark, delusional," I say, rolling my eyes. "Am I going to have to get Derek to institutionalize you?"

"Everybody wants a piece of me."

"Whatever. I only wanted to know where Derek is and now I know."

"Then why are you still here?" he asks, raising an eyebrow.

"Because I'm eating," I respond taking another bite of my sandwich.

"Right. All kidding aside, Grey. Talk to Shep."

"That's the plan."

"Are you going to see him after your shift?"

"I think so. Probably. He could probably use some soup or something," I say nonchalantly.

"More like he could probably use you," he says. I just roll my eyes in response. "But that's good, Grey. About damn time you and Shep 'communicated'," he says, mocking me.

I roll my eyes at him again, "I know. It might not be the best time since he's sick and all and he needs his rest, but I know it needs to be done."

"Mom really got to you huh?"

"Not just her. I mean, she played a big part in it, but I've known for awhile we needed to really talk. She just pushed me to talk to him more."

"You going to ask him about Dad?" he asks, finishing off his sandwich.

"Only if he wants to talk about it," I say with a shrug.

"You have to. I know he doesn't want to, but a big part of why he is who he is now is because of Dad. The good and the bad," he says seriously.

"That's what your mom said."

"She's right."

"I know," I nod, "which is why I need to go find Derek."

"So what the hell are you still doing here?"

"Uhhh. Eating lunch?"

He rolls his eyes, "I can see that, Grey, but Mom left two days ago. Why have you still not talked to him?"

"I got scared."

"What the hell happened to all that growing you did?" he asks.

"This talk, it's big Mark. I needed to find the courage and to be sure of what I wanted to say," I justify.

"Fine, but you have to talk to him. And soon. You've both been hurt too much by this mess and it needs to get fixed now," he says firmly. "Besides, he needs to get laid. And hell, so do you."

"Not everything is about sex, Mark," I say, rolling my eyes.

"Whatever you say, Grey," he says, pushing his chair back, "Anyway, I gotta go look at some boobs. I'll see you later."

"Bye, Mark," I laugh in response as he walks away.

"Oh and Grey?" he says, turning back.

"Yeah?"

"Chicken noodle soup," he says turning to walk away again, leaving me sitting in the cafeteria with my half-eaten sandwich smiling like an idiot. Tonight is the night that Meredith Grey finally learns the art of communication.

**so this is my last update for i'm not sure how long. i'm going on vacation from tmrw til the beginning of june, but i will be updating as much as i can. i swear. i'll be writing and writing and writing during my plane ride. and whenever i can get on, i'll be trying to post updates. i hope you guys keep reading! **


	28. Chapter 28

**Chapter 28**

I hate being sick and not being able to go into work. It sucks. I never get sick, yet here I am now. Being sick means I have to sit here in the trailer all day feeling like crap. It means no hospital, no surgeries, and no Meredith.

Our friendship has been moving along quite nicely. It almost feels as though none of all the other stuff happened. I still want to be more than just her friend. But I can't push. I'm only just starting to get really ready. Not just for her, but also for myself. Mom really helped out a lot with that. I know that no matter what, I have my family who will always be there to support me. But still, I want that family to include Meredith. There's no denying that I'm always going to want that. But these past three months have taught me that I can't keep pushing.

A knocking on my door interrupts my thoughts. It's probably Mark, here to bust my balls about getting sick. I move from my bed to answer it and am surprised to see Meredith, a beautiful smile on her face and a bag in her hands.

"Hey," she says, holding up the bag, "Chicken noodle soup?"

I give her the best grin I could muster. "Absolutely," I reply ushering her in, "How did you know?"

"Mark," she says simply, getting a bowl out from the cupboard, seemingly at home in my trailer, and setting it on the table. "I hope it's ok that I came. He said you were sick and then he said chicken noodle soup, so I thought I'd bring you some."

"Thanks, Mer," I say, grabbing the seat across from her, "But I do hope you didn't cook it."

She rolls her eyes at me, "I didn't feel like making you feel worse than you already do."

"Thanks," I say with smirk.

"How are you feeling?"

"Like crap," I sigh. "I never get sick," I say, before breaking into a small coughing fit.

"Clearly," she says sarcastically.

I stick out my tongue at her earning a giggle from her, "So mature."

"So did you just come out here to question my maturity or what?" I say smiling.

"No, I also came to tell you how awful you look and sound."

"Thanks, Mer. How nice of you."

"Oh I know," she sighs dramatically.

I laugh at her acting, "But really, thanks for coming. It sucks being out here by myself all day."

"I wanted to come, Der."

"You did?" I ask a little surprised and sneezing at the same time.

"Yeah. I mean, we're friends and I heard you were sick. So I came to make sure you were doing all right," she says, grabbing a Kleenex from the counter and handing it to me.

"Thanks. It's nothing really. Just a cough and cold. No big deal," I say, blowing my nose.

"I know. Mark told me that too," she says, twiddling her thumbs.

"So there must be another reason you came," I say knowingly.

"Ummm. I kinda wanted to talk," she says almost hesitantly, before continuing, "About us. If you're up for it. I know you're sick and you probably just want to rest so I can just come back if you want. Or we can talk now. Really it's up to you. How's the soup?"

I laugh at her adorable rambling, "It's good thanks. Stay, Mer. I'd like to talk about us. We kinda have to."

She nods, "Not just us, Derek. But I think...The books say I should talk to you. Because you're my last issue." I raise an eyebrow at her. Her eyes widen with the realization of what she said could have possibly meant, "Good issue, I swear." I raise an eyebrow again. "Ok, fine. But it's really not that bad. It's just that I have commitment issues and they end with you. Or start with you. It really depends on how you want to look at it," she finishes, looking down at her hands.

I stand up and put the bowl in the sink and put aside the rest of the soup before walking up beside her and taking her hand. She looks up at me questioningly, but stands up nonetheless, watches as I grab some blankets, and follows me out onto the porch, her hand still firmly clasped in mine.

We sit on the chairs I have set out there. I look over at the Chief's trailer, thanking the man upstairs that he was not there. We need this talk. And for once, she came to me. This gives me all the hope in the world, that what we had before everything can actually be salvaged.

"Derek?" she finally asks.

"Thank you."

"Why are you thanking me?" she asks, her features full of confusion.

I hand her a blanket, noticing her shivering from the slight breeze in this cool April night. "For coming to me."

"Oh," she says, wrapping the blanket around her.

"You never come to me. But here you are now," I say coughing a bit.

"I did come to you." I turn to look at her questioningly. "Before. When you had to choose between me and Addison."

I nod, slowly, realization dawning on me. She has come to me before, but I took it for granted. "You did," I say smiling at her. "I'm sorry for forgetting."

"It's ok," she says, shaking her head.

"No, it's not Mer. I took that for granted. You took a step, but I denied you. Then I blame you for not wanting to take any more."

"You can't just blame everything on yourself, Derek."

"I'm not," I defend. "I just...I feel like if I had chosen you the first time, we wouldn't be having this conversation right now."

"Did you ever think that we would need to have this conversation in order to become better people?" she asks.

"Do you think that having this conversation will bring us back together?" I counter.

"It's not about us getting back together, Derek. It's about us getting ourselves back to what we used to be. As individuals."

"I know. But do you think we have a chance?" I ask.

"Honestly? I don't know," she says with a sigh.

I give her a sad smile. It isn't the answer I was looking for, but at least she was honest. "Do you think there's something worth saving?"

She stays silent for a while, worrying me, my heart feeling as though it is about to beat right out of my chest. Then she looks me in the eye and gives me a small, reassuring smile, "Yeah."

I give her a smile of my own, "I love you."

I expect her to run away or at least show some sign of tension to tell me that she was freaking out, but none came. Instead, she says, "I know. I love you too."

"But we have a lot to work on first," I say, another coughing fit failing to hide the smile on my face.

She nods, rubbing my back soothingly, "Yeah. And Derek, I want this to work. I really do. I just don't know if too much damage has been done."

"I know," I say simply. "So where should we start?"

She thinks about this for a bit, before saying, "Tell me about your dad."

Her statement catches me off guard. I know that I have to tell her at some point, but I'm not prepared to tell her now. She looks at me expectantly and looking into her eyes, I know that it is time.

I run a hand through my hair in a vain attempt to delay the inevitable. I don't talk about my dad for one reason: I'm afraid to breakdown and completely lose it. Especially in front of Mer. But I have to do this. I have to learn to let her in, just as she's learning to let me.

"My dad is my hero," I begin. She looks at me intently as I sneeze a couple of times before being able to continue. "He was more than just my father. He was my mentor and my best friend. I have four sisters so he and I had a special bond," I say taking a deep breath. She reaches over, gives my hand a gentle squeeze, and doesn't let go. For this, I am thankful. It is my lifeline. Having her hold my hand gives me renewed strength to continue.

"It was a hot summer day in New York. I was thirteen years old. I came home from the park with Mark. Dad was sitting there, watching the baseball game. Mark and I joined him. It was the middle of the sixth inning. It was sudden. One second he was celebrating the home run with us, the next he was on the floor seizing. It was just Mark and I at home at that time and I froze. But Mark, he took charge. He was the one who called 911 while I stood there in shock, looking at my Dad seizing. It took the paramedics 20 minutes to get to our house. In those twenty minutes, my dad died and I did nothing to help him. I couldn't do anything, Mer," I say, tears starting to stream down my face, her right hand still held tightly in mine and her left rubbing my back gently. She knows that I am not yet done with my story. She just sits there, letting me release all the pent us anger and sadness I have held for the past 27 years.

"I didn't cry at all. Not in the ambulance on the way to the hospital, not when the doctor called his death, and not when Mom and my sisters came in. I didn't cry at the funeral either. I was just numb. I kept to myself for a few days, but after awhile, I tried to act as if nothing happened. I couldn't grieve. I was stuck on the fact that I did nothing when my dad needed me."

"I was never the same again. Eventually, I started laughing again, but it wasn't the same as before what happened. In those days when I kept to myself after the funeral, I made up my mind to become a neurosurgeon. I couldn't really remember much of what the doctor said, but I kept hearing the word brain aneurysm. That was it. My future was decided. I lived my life the way I thought I should have, not the way I really wanted. I never talked about it. Mom and Mark tried for a few months, but eventually, they realized I wasn't going to budge, so they just let me be."

"You avoided," she said softly, still rubbing my back. She was closer to me now and it was comforting.

"I avoided," I nodded, silent tears still making their way down my cheeks.

"We're both avoiders."

I let out a small laugh, "We are."

"I'm sorry about your dad," she says, laying her head on my shoulder, her hand ceasing their motions on my back.

"It's ok. Thank you for listening," I reply, placing my head on top of hers.

"I'm proud of you."

"You are?"

"Yeah," she nods softly. "You stopped avoiding."

I feel a smile creep onto my tear-stained face, "I guess I did."

"You're growing."

"Like you," I say, shifting slightly, pulling my hand away from hers and wrapping my arm around her.

"Yeah," she says, smiling at me.

"I'm proud of you too," I say.

"Thanks," she says as I let out another cough. "We should go inside," she suggests.

"Might be a good idea," I say, standing up and offering a hand, which she gladly takes. "Are you off tomorrow?"

"Yeah," she nods.

"Good," I say, opening the trailer door. She raises an eyebrow at me as she walks by me towards my small couch. "It's going to be a long night, Mer," I say, chuckling slightly.

"It is," she says as I sit beside her and pull her close.

"Thank you for coming. I needed this." She simply responds by placing her head on my shoulder as we sit in silence waiting for what is to come next. A silence filled with hope and belief that we can work through this.

_I've never been the praying kind_

_But lately I've been down upon my knees_

_Not looking for a miracle_

_Just a reason to believe_

i'm still on vacation and the next weeks are going to be hectic, but i shall try and update once more before vacation is over.


	29. Chapter 29

**sorry for taking so long on this one. it was a little tougher to write, especially since the show did a damn good job of fixing merder already. this is nowhere near as good, but hopefully you'll all still give it a shot.**

thanks for the comments so far! 

**Chapter 29**

"I'm not good at the talking thing, but...I'm next right? I mean, you talked, so now it's my turn right?" I ask, lifting my head after what seems like hours.

"Generally, yes."

"Ask me something then."

"Tell me about yourself."

"Vague enough, Derek?" I say, rolling my eyes and elbowing him playfully on the ribs.

"Ow," he says rubbing his side. "That hurt."

"Whatever," I reply snuggling back to his embrace. "Seriously, Derek, ask me something specific."

"Tell me about _your_ dad," he offers, tightening his hold on me.

Despite my talks with Cristina and consultations with the books, the topic still makes me tense visibly. He runs his hand up and down my arm soothingly, as if encouraging me to go on.

I take a deep breath and decided to just go for it. It couldn't hurt to tell him right? "I don't remember much, really. So there's not much to tell. He was there, then he wasn't, then he was there again, and then he left again," I say with finality.

"There's got to be more to it than that."

I pull back, just slightly before continuing, "He did love me. He wasn't abusive or absent, but still he left. I guess he had valid reasons. I mean, who would want to stay with someone cheating on them?"

He tenses slightly, seemingly recognizing the parallel between our situation and my parents', but lets me continue anyway. "So he left and that was it. No letters, no phone calls. It was like I didn't even exist to him after that. I came home from school, expecting him there to play with me, but he wasn't. I just saw my mom and this strange lady."

"At that age, I wasn't really able to grasp what happened. My mom said he went away for a long vacation and things were going to change around the house. The lady? My first nanny. After a month or so, I tried to ask my mom again where he went, but she ignored me. I tried asking my nanny too, but she got mad every time I did. I wanted to cry. I missed him, but I knew I'd get in trouble if I did. She always said crying is a sign of weakness, so I didn't cry until I was alone in my room," I say sadly.

"Oh, Mer," he says pulling me back closer to him.

"It's ok, Derek, I'm ok," I say, laying my head back on his shoulder. "It got better once I realized he was never coming back, but obviously what he did affected me greatly."

"How can you be ok with it?"

"I'm not," I shrug, "I just learned over time to play with the cards I've been dealt."

"You're amazing," he whispers into my hair.

"She tried to kill herself when I was 7," I continue after a few minutes of silence. "We were in the kitchen one day. She held a scalpel in her hand and cut her wrist. I waited to call 911 because I didn't want to get into trouble," I say, wiping away a few silent tears that have fallen down my cheek. Derek pulls me in even tighter and kisses my head.

"Why did she do it?"

"Because Richard left her."

"So she wanted to die," he whispered.

"I don't know. I've been thinking about it a lot lately, trying to figure out why she did it, but I haven't told anyone, not event Cristina. I think she may have done it for a different reason, I'm just not sure what," I say, trying to put the pieces together, hoping Derek could help.

"But she slit her wrists," he says, pulling away slightly giving me a look of confusion.

"She's a surgeon Derek. If she wanted to die, she would have just slit her carotid artery, but she didn't. She knew what she was doing. I didn't realize it before, but now, with what I know as a surgeon, doesn't it strike you as odd that she didn't just go right for the kill if that was her purpose?"

"I guess, but did she tell you to call 911 at all?"

I sit silently for a moment, thinking about what he said and coming up with nothing. "Damn it Derek, here I thought I was on the verge of a breakthrough," I say, playfully slapping his chest.

He simply laughs in response and pulls me back in, a serious look appearing on his face, "You may be on to something though."

"What do you mean?"

"It was after Richard left right?" I nod. "Maybe she knew you were going to call 911. She knew you were going to tell them to bring you to Seattle Grace. Maybe-"

"Maybe she just wanted Richard to come back to her," I say, realization dawning on me.

"Maybe. We can't really say for sure, but it makes sense, Mer."

"Yeah, it does," I say, digesting the theory. "She told me to be extraordinary."

He gives me a smile. "You _are_ extraordinary, Meredith."

I shake my head in disagreement, "No, I'm not, but I'm trying to be. I think...Do you think she did that to tell me to learn from her mistakes too? In life I mean."

"It's possible. Mer, you have gone through so much. You could've just easily given up, yet here you are standing strong. That makes you extraordinary," he says, looking me directly in the eye. "I really am proud of you, Mer."

"What for?"

"Because you've said more to me in the past 15 minutes than you have in the time that I've known you?" he says with a small chuckle.

"Ass," I say, laughing him and slapping him playfully. "Now it's your turn again."

"Ask away then"

I sit silently for a few minutes, thinking of what to ask him next. "Why Seattle?"

"It's far from New York and I had on offer on the table from Richard," he says.

"I mean, why did you run away?"

"Honestly? I didn't want to face the truth that my marriage was over. I knew it was even before I caught them, but I was scared to confront it. So I ran," he says, running a hand down his face.

"Why were you scared?"

"I don't know. I guess I just didn't want to disappoint my parents, especially Dad. He was able to make being a surgeon and a family man work, and I wanted to be able to that too. I just didn't want to admit to myself that I couldn't."

"Then you came here and met me."

"Yup," he says, grabbing my hand and intertwining our fingers. "Best thing I ever did."

"Even if we're not _together_, together?"

"We're working towards it," he shrugs.

"Yeah," I say, a small smile playing on my lips. I want this. I really do. And I think I'm ready to learn to trust him again.

"It's getting late, Mer. Why don't we continue this tomorrow," he suggests, when a yawn escapes from my mouth.

"You sound like a therapist," I say giggling and standing up. "I can stay here on the couch."

"Don't be ridiculous. Take the bed, I'll stay here," he says pushing me towards the bedroom.

"The couch is way too small for you. I'll fit in it better," I argue.

"Nonsense," he says, dismissing me with a wave of a hand, while he makes his way to the dresser to pull out a shirt and a pair of sweats, "Here, go change."

"Bossy," I say, rolling my eyes and heading to the bathroom. I come out a few minutes later to find him sitting at the foot of his bed dressed for sleep.

"You good to go?"

"Yeah," I nod. "Are you sure you want to sleep on the couch?"

"I'm sure," he insists, standing up and walking towards me. He engulfs me in a hug and kisses my cheek. "Night, Mer."

"Why don't we both sleep here?" I blurt out.

He pulls back and looks at me with a raised brow. "Just to sleep," I add. "It's your trailer. You should be comfortable too."

"Are you sure?"

"I...yeah," I say, realizing that I needed and wanted him to hold me as we sleep. "Please?"

He simply nods, leading me to the bed, letting me in first under the blankets. "Oh and Derek?" I say, as he turns off the light and warps an arm around me.

"Yeah?"

"Keep it in."

He lets out a deep laugh and pulls me closer. I slowly drift off to sleep holding his hand and feeling better than I had in months. There's no turning back now. We have to do it right this time.


	30. Chapter 30

**Chapter 30**

I wake up to find myself enveloped by the safety of Derek's arms and I can't help but think about how this is the way I want to wake up every day for the rest of my life. There is still a lot of work to be done, but laying there in his arms and thinking back to the talk we had last night, I realize that I don't just want to try anymore. I want to make this work.

I turn around to look at Derek, seeing in him the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. He pulls me in tighter, his lips turning upwards to form a smile as he opens his eyes lazily, "Morning."

"You still have morning breath," I say with a playful smile, scrunching my nose.

He simply laughs, gives me a kiss on the forehead and walks into the washroom to brush his teeth. "How are you feeling today?" I ask.

"Better," he says in between brushes.

"So I've been thinking," I start. He turns with a raised brow, which I choose to ignore "I want this. Me and you, I want it."

I practically hear the wheels turning in his head as he processes what I've just said and he finishes up brushing his teeth. He comes back to the bed and sits beside me, "You want this?"

"I do," I nod. "We're nowhere near done talking, I realize that, but I want this, Derek. I want the house, the marriage, the kids. I want everything. I don't want to just try anymore. I want to actually see if it'll work. But I mean, if you've changed your mind about us between now and last night, that's ok too, because there's too much water under the thing or whatever. And I know we said we love each other, but maybe-" I was cut off by Derek's lips on mine in a gentle, loving kiss that seems to last for hours.

He pulls back, his hands cupping my face, and says "I want it to, Mer, all of it."

"We still have to talk Derek."

"I know, and we will. I don't plan on half-assing it this time," he says, his thumb stroking my cheek gently.

"Good," I say, leaning into the warmth of his hand. "So what do we do now?"

He gives me a quick peck before saying, "How about breakfast?"

"Pancakes?"

"Of course. Then we'll keep talking, maybe go outside for a hike," he says, standing up, reaching his hand out to me.

"Maybe not a hike, Der. You're just getting better," I say, taking his hand and letting him lead me to the kitchen, where I sit at the table while he walks around preparing the pancakes.

"Ok, but we are talking," he says. I nod in agreement. We delve into some light conversation throughout breakfast. Everything feels like it used to, before all the drama. To some extent, I feel a little odd, having jumped into a relationship with him again so soon after we just really started talking, but still, in the grand scheme of things, it feels right.

We put away the dishes and head outside to the hammock, where we lay down, me wrapped in his arms. We stay like that in silence for a few minutes, neither really knowing where to start and what to say, but both completely happy with the direction the relationship has gone.

"What happened in the water, Mer?" Derek asks suddenly. I knew it was bound to happen, it was just a question of when and apparently, that time was now.

"Everything just seemed so hard back then and I just wanted it all to go away," I explain without hesitation.

"That was the worst day of my life, Mer."

"I know," I say, turning to look him in the eyes. "I'm so sorry for putting you through that Derek. I hope you know that."

"I know you are, Mer, but it doesn't change the fact that it happened. Why couldn't you have just come and talked to me?"

"I was afraid that you would pull away, which you did eventually."

"But not because you died, Mer," he says with a sad sigh, "You and I both avoided and we're both to blame for what has gone wrong."

I lean in to give him a kiss before placing my forehead against it, "We are, but that's why we're talking now and fixing it." He nods in agreement, before I continue, "Can we...I know we have to talk about the bad things too, but can we just not blame each other?"

"Of course. I just really want this to work, Mer."

"I do too, but blaming each other will get us nowhere."

"How did you become so wise?" he asks with a soft smile.

I laugh softly, "I don't know. I guess I've just had a lot of time to think."

"It seems like it," he says, giving me a quick kiss, before pulling away, "Let's go to the cliff. I want to show you something."

"But Derek-"

"I'm ok. I'm not that sick anymore," I insist.

"Fine, but if you get sick again, I'll be sure to say 'I told you so'," I say, getting off the hammock, followed by him as we start walking towards the cliff.

"I'm sure you will," he says with a laugh.

We walk hand in hand in silence until we reach the cliff. We stop in the middle of the clearing. He releases my hand, raises his up in the air and goes around in circle, "I was going to build us a house here."

My lips break into a smile, mirroring his huge one, "It's the perfect spot, Der."

He nods, smiling, walking back towards me, placing his hands on my hips and pulling me close, "I've known all along I wanted to build it here. The night I saw you here thinking, I knew then that it was the right place."

"So this place, it's pretty special huh?" I say with a playful grin.

"It's my heaven...with you," he says in all seriousness.

I lean in towards him at the same time he leans toward me as our lips meet in a powerful, all-consuming kiss that takes both of our breaths away. We pull away slightly, keeping our foreheads pressed together, staring deeply into each other's eyes, " I love you so much, Mer, and I'm never, ever letting you go."

For the first time in a long time, I truly believed him. We still have a lot to work on, a lot to talk about, but at the end of the day, he's still the Derek I fell in love with that night at Joe's, the Derek I knew from the start that I wanted to build a life with, the Derek that I need in my life. "I love you too. Forever," I say, before leaning in for another earth-shattering kiss to mark the beginning of our life together.

_Make Me believe,  
Know that I need you,  
don't leave me alone here.  
This doesn't have to end,  
This doesn't have to end  
_

**-Fin-**

**First off, I apologize for the massive delay, but here it is, the end of this fic. I'd like to point out that the whole point of it is to get them back together and not necessarily happily ever after. **

**Secondly, I'd like to thank everyone who gave this a chance, since it's my first fic and all. I really appreciate everyone for reading and special thanks to those who took the time to comment. I hope you guys enjoyed it! I do have another fic in mind and will start writing that asap, especially since I have a week free from work and everything else before school starts.**

**Lastly, thanks to Katie for encouraging me to write and for Erin for beta-ing (especially since I thought a beta is a computer program). None of this would have been possible without the both of you so thanks.**

**Yes, that was Oscar-like, I realize that. LOL.**


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